Monthly Archives: July 2012

The Darkest Corner

When life backs you into certain corners of life, the first instinct is to escape, if that doesn’t seem possible we attempt to numb the pain and cope on our own terms. We do what we must to forget about it, even if for just a moment in time, we forget about the reality that’s facing us. We don’t cry out for help because from our view, security is too far gone, the damage has been done. The lesson is being learned and the scars are being inflicted. For a moment we accept that and take the pain head on truly believing that we’re in it alone.  Due to that we spend years healing the wounds that began the journey, the struggle, and even sometimes the very battle that defines us most. 

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This became a dangerous way to love someone as his voice spoke louder in my mind than my own did, statistically I trusted him on more occasions than I trusted myself and mentally he had the upper hand.

Even as a man, he was so much of what I wanted to be as a woman. He was comfortable in his flaws as he always worked to improve his self-worth, and accordingly secure in his plan for his future. He had a fashion sense as good as mine, and I loved the way we complimented each other as we made public appearances as if a way to profess our love. Together we had a stride that demanded an audience, and we took pride in that. He was brave but took chances without ever risking more than he was willing to lose. He wasn’t only clever; he was among the wisest of men I’ve known, so much that he stood in rank of one of the most influential people in my life. He gained wisdom in every past trial he faced, never walking away without a lesson. Nothing defeated him so far, he always rose above the obstacles and came out stronger than before and always one smile closer to his dreams. He knew how to get ahead in life, and with a skilled way with words and a personality that drove his social skills to a new calling, this man was the downfall of so many competitors that crossed his path.  He truly didn’t worry for longer than he should. He placed the concerns beyond his efforts in God’s care, and I admired that part of his character. All of these elements were the pieces of him that I loved, and the best of what I took with me when I left. He grew within me leaving these beneficial traces that would be another guiding light, and I will forever have a loving respect for a piece of my past for that reason.

He was none the less human though, and while he had characteristics that I loved, those beautiful pieces were only half of who he was. We had very different views on the value of love versus success. This man was nine years my senior and 75% of what shaped me since I began this journey of woman hood. My mother whispered to me, “Be careful my love, that man has a charm that could convince and kill.” In the end, my mother’s intuition was right on point, this man had a weapon of magnetism like no other. The gifts of his love were his influence of passion and thrive, but that love came with a curse of questioning my own beliefs of how I should run my life; what will keep me warm at night, love or success? Am I willing to compromise that in order to have him forever? I believed his mind and trusted his guidance. His influence was more powerful than my own. This became a dangerous way to love someone as his voice spoke louder in my mind than my own did, statistically I trusted him on more occasions than I trusted myself and mentally he had the upper hand. This was the first man I ever loved. Clearly love didn’t have to last to satisfy him, it only has to exist, to make a mark, and that was enough for him. Even as a very grown man, marriage was a nice thought in his mind but it wasn’t a piece of his life that he needed. The thoughts of success and wealth somehow kept him warmer at night than a woman’s touch.

We had a seven year long run, full of friendship, betrayal, compromise, plans, and lots and lots of sexual desires. Somehow our intimacy made his impact on me run deep. His carnal knowledge was quite detailed, he learned a lot through his years of relationships with women, and for seven years I slurped every bit of that sex education up. They didn’t teach this shit in grade school, he offered the unrated and uncut version of the truth. He was an expert on pleasing a woman and even a great professor on how a woman could take a man to the edge of ecstasy. I learned every ounce of freakiness from him, sometimes I even wondered what I’d be like if he had never explored the depths of me and turned me out, sexually and mentally. He sexed so good he made a quickie feel like love making, even when I knew his mind was somewhere else, his body told a different story, a much more beautiful lie. The more our bodies were shared, the more our minds began to challenge their similarity. I began to read him better than I had in the past years. I wasn’t sure if I agreed with his values but I was slowly becoming okay with someone very opposite of who I was at heart. Somehow in the heat of sex, I began to introduce him to my additional ways of thinking and he began to warp my mind as well.

Intimacy has a way of taking things to a deeper level, the more involved you become, the more you care, the more you wonder, and the deeper you truly fall. Sex on this level has a magical way of changing a person’s mind, even giving them hope and convincing them to stay a little longer; perhaps they can take me even deeper into this black magic we call love; we were both so guilty of that mindset. Eventually we came to know that we were caught up into something we had lost mental and emotional control over. Friendship, future plans and everything else that had held the relationship up on a pedestal had drifted and all that was left was an ever winding emotional whirlwind of intimacy. Even when it was all that we had left, just a taste of it was still enough to keep us going. It was our drug that we were proud to overindulge in, and deep down we knew it kept us together even when common sense said we should be apart.

You can fall into someone else’s soul without ever knowing it, that sexual, mental and physical bond is strong and can overpower your own mind. Once you reach a certain level of intimacy, I don’t believe it’s just sex, at this point in the game, who you let in determines what is done within you. Will they damage your mind or deliver your spirit? Perhaps they have potential to do both. Are you there for the same reasons they are or are the two motives facing different directions? It’s not only your body that you’re allowing them to enter; intimacy involves the mind, spirit, and heart. What if one day you became just like them, would you be proud to mirror this person?  It’s imperative that an individual takes note of the honest answer to that question.

Intimacy is not only a lovey dovey affair; it leaves deep roots from each person involved. Intimacy drives a connection that’s mentally penetrating and transcendent; it takes you to a state of mind far beyond the words I’m speaking. You touch each other physically while moving inside of each other in every additional essence. You become a piece of the other person, you each leave traces that you’ve been there; at this level of intimacy, you will remember what they were like to the T; even the thoughts that emerged with the strokes will be taken note of. The door of influence creeks open in the midst of desire and two souls intertwine. Intimacy is beautiful, deep and the climax of so many people’s pleasure points, it’s a powerful sharing experience, therefore be aware and particular on whom you share these experiences with. Be knowledgeable on who you are opening yourself up to and the mindset they carry because regardless of whether or not you notice it, intimacy has a way of causing a person’s impact on you to be quite profound.

Intimacy: The Mirror Affect

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Intimacy Beyond Oxytocin

Oxytocin is a brain chemical that is released commonly in romantic bonds; it’s also known to be the cause of the emotional bond between mother and child after birth. Many people believe that this is chemically how being in love can effect ones mental state of mind, and I’ve come to agree that intimacy can drive deep emotions that go on to connect to the brain and eventually effect a person  inside and out.

However what about the other affects that intimacy has on the individuals involved? What about the effects that go deeper than the lovey dovey doses of Oxytocin? I’m talking about emotions and mental concerns that go much deeper than the surface of those butterflies…

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Although she is nothing like you or I or even the next girl, her story could very well feature the same villains…that woman may be the invisible beauty that fights these battles too.

I believe on average one out of every five women will go through hell and back by the age of twenty seven without a hint of notification to closest people surrounding her. I’ve been blessed to have intellectual encounters with a wide variety of women. Some have been lovers, some have had a hate for love, some were teachers others could never be taught, every one of them have been so different from the next. Unfortunately the only single line they all walked on was that of abuse. They have all battled with respect from men physical and mental, emotional as well as sexual abuse. These encounters came from the hands of boyfriends, coworkers, professionals, fathers, strangers, even family friends. These women have been mocked, slammed, punched, left to die, and punished for their dignity.

Some women choose to go about their relations only involving themselves when they are the dominant ones in the relationship, only because the last time she let a man be in control, she ended up with a fist in her face and caught up with the man she swore she knew well enough. Some of these women have been raped until the scars can’t be disguised, beaten bad enough to convince themselves life is better off if they cover it up and never tell a soul. People have the nerve to wonder why so many women are bougie, why they seem to constantly turn their nose up at men, some even turn their nose up at other women due to the involvement they’ve seen women play in abuse on other women. Many men are clueless to this, they have no idea that the attitude has less to do with material things and more to do with protection, this is one of many ways that women try to shield themselves from dangerous characters they’ve met in the past. I’ve heard women say they feel life would be easier if they took on the role as a hoe, one woman in particular has told me, ” I hear these bastards won’t even fight you if you don’t put up one.” That same middle aged woman went on to say, “I’ll swallow my pride and give it up if it spares me getting my ass whooped.” If you saw this captivating woman, you would never imagine that those were her true thoughts.

So many women fear that lustful gaze of men, only because she’s seen that gaze before. She recalls the black deep alleys that the source of that gaze pushed her into, she recalls quickly jetting back to a pathway that had vanished so quickly, only to be twisted back around into the controlling grasp of a predator. Most of all she remembers that the screams were never heard, she remembers realizing that protection from the crime at that point was out of the question. These women are never fully able to forget the feeling of numbness, and as darkness faded and she laid lifeless seeing the skies shut down before her, this is when she realized that regardless of age, her youthful, innocent spirit will never again breathe the breaths of simplicity, and know that carefree soul as she once did, once a life is corrupted by crime it’s never truly the same.

Now her life is walked on guard, constantly. She doesn’t leave her home without protection, even inside of her home, she now laces it with weapons, ready to be brought out of the dark because she feels, “How else am I going to be guaranteed security?”—these women live under a vow to NEVER go again without protection.

Essence recently published an article discussing the current case of Nafissatou Diallo, whom has come to the public with rape allegations against the high profile Dominique Strauss-Kahn (former Head of International Monetary Fund). Essence went on to release a statistic that came from current studies saying that one in every four black women will be raped in her lifetime, and 7% of black women will report the crime, the average in other races came to 42% of sexual assaults reported. Im not sure why as a society of women we don’t confide in anyone about these encounters. Some women used to and eventually gave it up, some still do. Many women come to feel, at least for herself, that no one on this earth is promised to protect her, it’s her own battle. After a while some women feel that they’ve fought the battles too hard, and fought to gain her dignity back too hard to be humiliated by reaping sympathy from crying out a tragedy to someone. In circumstances like these, for this woman, sympathy can viewed as a pathetic and weak emotion, which in understanding does nothing for a woman who has walked these retched roads.

So you really want to make a difference to a woman who has told you of the disrespect she gets from men? (don’t be foolish enough to assume that the disrespect is all she knows, majority of the time, that’s all she feels comfortable with exposing.) As you are together, wherever it may be, PROTECT her, be attentive of her surroundings, of course without being controlling, GUARD her with your presence. Give her at least the insight that a hero beyond herself may possibly exist. So yes, I agree women are sometimes guarded, bougie, and highly emotional creatures, as anyone who has walked these roads would be. It’s this woman still having herself at the end of every day that gives her the pride and will to exhale and truly love and embrace herself completely. After being dragged through hell, and occasionally passing by it’s alleys on earth, these women begin to respect themselves for the battles they’ve fought, admire and appreciate every other woman as well regardless of race, religion, size, sexual orientation ect. knowing that although she is nothing like you or I or even the next girl, her story could very well feature the same villains…that woman may be the invisible beauty that fights these battles too.

Woman’s War

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There is a profound and exhilarating thrill that comes along with the event of a woman getting dolled up. It can bring such gratification and even be therapeutic to express yourself through a fashion and style that shines off your image. From a wild hairstyle using the most natural essence you possess to added sex appeal with the benefits of new extensions, weave, or even a simple change of cut or color, we can drag out our deepest emotions with the use of our fingertips combined with the texture of our hair, the definition of make up and of course the statement of our outfit, this is all thrown in the mix topped with a long awaited message that we plan to deliver without a single word being spoken.

So many people think that a woman’s appearance can be based on the demand to be desired, but underneath that glamour and appeal lies a woman with an insatiable appetite for showing the world what she’s made of. Every woman reaches a pivoting point in her life in which she’s come to terms with who she’s been and who she is becoming. These women begin to see the drastic difference, and more importantly they begin to respect the growth. There come days and evenings when we decide to reward ourselves with an official debut, so we step out looking even better than we did on our last “best night ever” and beneath it all lies a confidence and burning desire for this woman to strut her ass off!

Its amazing the way we are able to paint a picture so perfectly using our sass, style, and joy topped with the grace that the women we have admired taught us to show the world the classiest and most defined version of ourselves.

The bedroom, the bathroom, the vanity, all combined with visits to the  mirrors turn into your very own runway.
As you’re getting ready for a night out, you pucker up your lips checking out your mouth’s own version of a pose, tease your hair demanding the woman out of it, even give your reflection a taste of your killer gaze. With all of this action we are expressing the attitude we carry, trying out the mood we hope to keep us pumped up all day and even more importantly, all night.

That first step out of the house brings a thrust of energy and delight as those heels lift you to the top of your own world. For a moment you realize the newfound feeling and inspiration that comes with getting dolled up, and you realize that you are not only proud but inspired by the woman you’ve become. So go out there and do your thing girl, let the world see you at your finest. Allow your past to kiss your ass as it becomes quite jealous of the future that lies ahead of you. Show the crowds around you what you’ve been daring  for them to see. This time around, show them your brilliance; allow the originality of your make up, the sass in your outfit, the demand in your hairstyle, and even the glow of your skin to shine through and show the world exactly WHO YOU ARE!

So many people think that a woman’s appearance can be based on the demand to be desired, but underneath that glamour and appeal lies a woman with an insatiable appetite for showing the world what she’s made of.

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