Category Archives: God’s Corner

–Breathe, Skin Deep*

Today’s the day I’ll finally say, I’m doing way more than great.

I’m pretty some days, other days I’m sexier, the waist looks thinner.  I’m a thick woman, still so fine. I’m happy to be mine. I adore a reflection everytime I pass by; and for so long, I’ve been waiting for that prime time. For years I lost me, back when you became mine. They watched my essence start fading everytime you came by. But after years of being held down, I broke free and took back my crown. We been apart for some time; you always thought I was yours, but I knew that you weren’t mine. Now that time has come, my time is titled divine; ‘Best believe Mama B’s gonna shine.

It took a bit of faith, it took a shit load of struggle; you can say I hustled through the bullshit and found my way. I prayed with every step, thank God today’s not just another day. For months I’ve been riding on a cloud, feeling so proud. I finally found my way; tomorrow’s looking more than great. All those hazy days cleared their greys, now I’m straight, it’s time to buckle down and be all I gotta be to pave the way.

I got three strong beauties just looking at me, waiting for the next step so they can hop on my beat; they wait for Mama’s go just to move their feet. And I’m proud to be, so proud to be the one that their following, I’m proud to be leading the way.

I guess when you met me, you thought I was just another chick around the way, thought I wouldn’t have too much to say. Three months in, you said, “Just sit back and look pretty.” So offended, I wanted to bust your face, but instead I just sat back with grace, and stayed content with my feelings. But my heart speaks way more than I led on, a soft voice but I speak strong; don’t get it wrong, she’s a woman that’s unique, tricky and convincing like her physique. A beauty much more than skin deep, a soul that captures and sucks in  whatever you speak, but you spoke some dirty thangs to me. Now I gotta filter all the debris, shake off all the dusty things.

What watch you say to me, reflections reply when you seek whats inside of me, and I won’t lie when speaking of what you left with me. Bad memories, too much drama, too much violence, you were crazy. And I’m supposed to sugar-coat the shady things? Nah, I’ma speak on everything. I’d probably let it fly, if it were just me, but you affected my babies, my fancy jewels, my shiny things. And this is the time when a mother speaks, so sit back and just let it bleed. ‘Cause it’s the truth and its physical. You f*cked up and finally I’ve been let go, so don’t be shocked when this fire-cracker blows. It’s a go.

I’m so free, I’m doing me; I’m speaking truths, confessing everything. Let a woman speak when its her time to breathe. Every lady needs her chance to be, ladies breathe, just take a moment and breathe for you and breathe for me. Breathe for every woman that took on pressure that tattooed her soul skin deep. Breathe for suckas that lost the good ones, breathe for them bad chicks with the big guns; pushing that weight to just become an undefeated champion. Breathe for the girls that just begun, the ones that ain’t found their way, say a prayer that they follow the wisdom that God lays. Pray that they see the steps that we missed, the ones we didn’t take. Pray that we all keep up with the scripture so that the devil can’t hit ya. Pray for the women that are going through too much, pray that a miracle touches every family that lost their way. Pray that the unfair circumstances pave a way, and every family find a rainbow shining bright upon their day. Pray that they find a solution in tomorrow’s promises, pray that they find happiness in another day.

I’m gonna pray, that every woman breathes, the way I breathed today. I want them to feel the oxygen of a woman’s freedom day. As long as you’re here, you still have a chance to make a change. So ladies, let’s breathe and feel freedom today.

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-Her Last Toast to Goodbye*

Freedom sings and we outgrow the self doubt that clipped our wings. After years of hesitation, the heart has grown wild, ran away and got chased, got bothered but now she waves. Before him, she lived and loved moving to the next phase. Relations could end but never end her. And a part of who I am will always despise you for what you did to her. For years, they watched her whither away too soon, but Aretha claimed, “A rose is still and always will be, a rose.” , and thus she still bloomed. He brought a new conclusion that lacked ultimate improvement, traded lies for rage and for her love that was the end of days. With love still existing she was under her hearts attack, but she fought that, and every time her mind fought back. All of her inconsistencies would drive everyone surrounding her insane. She went back more times than she backed out, loved him until her heart blacked out. Woke up and had to find the Holy Spirit just to figure it all out. Now she knows where she wants to be. You can love one soul with every depth of who you are, but with lacked reciprocation the love can’t go far. Then one day, he finally made a start, he became somebody better and came back to claim her heart. But by then her love was too buried in resentment and shame, the good heart turned dark and his heart sank below his soul as the truth inflicted pain. In some way, he would never be the same, knowing he once had her but would never grip her that way again. But that’s the past, this ends the game; she’s gone and he is the only one to blame. What a shame to know that Dream would never be claimed. Ultimately love brought a lot but nothing could be claimed, and three seeds grew as they all witnessed why a fairytale dies; a “love at first sight” would be in vain, but she won’t be the one that cries, like a boomerang, his sins birthed pain as repercussions blasted in his face. Truthfully, she learned lessons and walked away dignified: Left love behind so high and dry and only his soul would collapse as love dies. In the end his soul sings the same song that made her heart cry, still he’ll walk away stunting pride, but knowing deep inside true love ain’t worth the lies. On her end, she’ll toss her hair and say ‘that’s life’, and likewise she’ll accept the truth for every lie, and vow to love herself above it all; it’s her hearts’ last time, making her last toast to goodbye.*

“Facing who you are completely and being honest with the beauties and bruises of complexity you possess is a key to finding self-love.”

Three years ago I was a self-professed expert on love and relationships. With much of the internal battle from both parties unseen, I believed and truly comprehended that my relationship was at a grand peak and I had much experience to declare myself as worthy of addressing just about any subject regarding love. Now, twelve well documented yet short lived seasons later, I’m coming to the understanding that even with a great deal of experience and awkward situations under my belt, I have still fallen short of knowing the greatest depths of love, partially because I hadn’t reached deep enough within myself to discover the love that is rooted beneath the woman I am to the world. I truly believe that half of the love you give someone is the love that you have for yourself.  That can be a good or bad thing depending on your self- love. We’ve heard a particular saying endless times, and I’m sure I’ll continue to hear it bringing a sharp reminder of who I am and who I have yet to be. They say, “You must love yourself before you can love someone else.” As positive and true as that quote is, without a sense of direction on where to go from there, it can leave someone still craving more of the truth that waits patiently to be heard. With all appreciation to the person that put that notion into a worldwide declaration of self-righteousness, I’ve never had the honesty with myself to say to someone else, “Thanks for being seemingly perfect but I’ll pass on your offer of being everything I might need in a man, because I simply need to love myself more before I can love you.” I still have yet to utter that verse.
In a perfect world, perhaps I would take that chance and send a man on his way, explaining in the perfect words that there’s so much more that I must know and appreciate about myself before I should embark on the journey of sharing who I am with someone who wants all of me. From experience I can say that it is an exhausting task to love someone in ways in which they don’t even love themselves, and to give someone a love that they repeatedly insist to society that they are unworthy of.  So yes, self-love is proven to be a key component to healthy relationships.
Since I began the journey of unvieling true self-love, I’ve found that establishing a good relationship with myself is much more complex than doing so with someone else. In fact, now that my upmost honesty has presented itself, I can admit that there’s a lot that I don’t know and apprehend about who I am. In the past I have tried to give people all of me, without truly knowing what all that entailed. I always said I love who I am but when I ask myself why, I’m paused at what all I’m made of and why I love those things. But the journey of unfolding my colors and laying them out to piece together is becoming easier and something I can do on a regular basis and in a respectful manner.
So I’ll attempt to share with you how I am learning to grasp the warm comfort of self-love. First I think we all need to be aware of where we stand on the matter. Do you feel that you have too low of a self-esteem and perhaps you lack self-love? Or do you think that you may be a bit too confident and be pushing close to the border of arrogance? Perhaps you battle with a bit of both.  Either way self-love is an understanding that can shine a light on who you are, delivering you from so many unseen and unspoken battles that dwell within.
I’m a smart girl who is learning when to let wisdom speak through me as well as when to stop foolishness from escaping my thoughts and shattering into an open conversation. I also have a keen way of separating the people that I appreciate to the point of needing in life apart from the people that I simple WANT to be in my life.  I’ve come to abundantly respect and necessarily dismiss so many people with these understandings. I also have a nurturing heart that will always thrive to care and comfort others. That has always been a major part of who I am, and even when I attempt to bury that giving girl in hopes of protecting my ego, she whispers sweet nothing’s of kindness and honesty beneath my core letting me she’ll always be WHO I REALLY AM rather than someone I will outgrow. In fact if I ever truly did dismiss my caring heart and replace it with a girl that didn’t give two shits about someone else’s feelings, I would be living a lie and living as someone that I’m not. I think everybody has that alter ego to them, pieces of who they are that they try to do away with in hopes that they won’t get hurt by someone else or even bring shame to themselves. Maybe they feel those pieces make them a weaker individual, or perhaps they’ve given that character too much airplay in the past and they ended up getting screwed over. Either way I think we all tend to bury pieces of our psyche in hopes to escape a deeper war weighing within. I’m coming to believe that the very voices we push away are sometimes the ones we need to hear the most. How many times have you ignored Gods’ advice, assuring yourself that you’ve got this one covered? How often do you catch yourself denying something about yourself, in fear of the person you may have to face next time you take a quick glance at the mirror? Think about it, and open yourself up to your new found zone of honesty.
If I were asked to list my strengths, would my tone and confidence drop when listing my weaknesses? I ask myself, would I want to curl up and disappear if someone questioned me about my most honest and shameful insecurities? Eventually I hope to carry the same confidence and belief in who I can be regarding my flaws and imperfections as I do with the things I know I’m great at. I’ve been blessed to witness confident people who are well aware of their flaws, and can even address their insecurities with a confident understanding and respect for themselves. That’s beautiful to me! That’s the vision of happiness within myself that I will continue to strive for. But let me be clear, I don’t think self-love is something someone can succeed at, rather I think it should me a never ending ladder for one to climb rather than a goal to be obtained; only because we’re constantly learning about ourselves and hopefully growing into more beautifully flourished  souls. However, with that said, when I do imagine success that self-love and genuine happiness that I will carry is most definitely in the picture.With all the great characteristics we can name off about ourselves, the flaws and insecurities are just as important to recognize and respect. Those are inner battles we must eventually face, if we ever want to welcome ourselves to the wonder of self-love.
With a world of great characteristics stitched together within me, I am also pushing myself to address and figure out the flaws I carry and why my deepest insecurities still trouble me and set me off guard. No matter what your inner battles are, they do need to be confessed and dissected in order for you to understand who you are and further on respect the not so pretty things about yourself. Put it this way, there may two people with the same bad ways, one who’s story I know and understand and the other who has never let me in to see why they are the way they are. I’m more likely to respect and still appreciate the open individual because although they have the same bad ways about them, I at least understand what made them that way, and as the friendship or bond flourished I’m more able to help them overcome that battle thanks to the honesty that opened the door to improvement. It’s hard to help someone if they can’t admit that they need help to begin with, which applies to conflicts with yourself as well. What I’m trying to say is that denial won’t make anything, and I mean ANYTHING disappear. From my experience it only deepens the wound, burying it further into a dark hole only to eventually be drugged out and exposed.
Loving yourself means accepting yourself for who you TRULY are, behind the great impressions you make of yourself and deep into the thoughts that cause you to wonder, questioning what you’re all about. I’ve always told myself that beautiful people are the ones that know they’re worth and have an unguarded and patient respect for the most painful pieces of reality they’ve witnessed in life. With that said, the most appreciative things in my life are the things that I have had to battle with and truly earn as my own; self-understanding is one of those things. It’s hard to appreciate the foul components of yourself when you don’t really understand why you are the way you are. Confidence isn’t about believing that you’re perfect or even that you have less flaws than the next man or woman, it’s about knowing the strengths you possess and how to not abuse them, as well as recognizing your areas of improvement with belief that you can do better; this means doing so without putting yourself down and being your own bully.
Facing who you are completely and being honest with the beauties and bruises of complexity you possess is a key to finding self-love. I truly believe that if the world could just understand the concept of loving who they are and not abusing that privilege or in other cases robbing themselves of it, than having enough room in your heart to love someone else wouldn’t be such a constant battle that we run into.

Sips from the Well of Self-Love

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Accepting Happiness

Some chapters in life just end, the same way you never asked them to begin, and the happiness you find there after seems to be completely by chance. You say a prayer for God to take away the pain, and sometimes he takes away the joy, the sad, the madness, the hurt, the happiness…everything that went with what got you where you are. Sometimes it’s a lover who hurts you just as much as he makes you smile, other times it’s a friend who abandons you just as quick as he or she is there to console you when you cried. However, if God says it’s time to let them go, that’s what happens. The next thing you know you’re left empty handed. When you place those situations in God’s hands you have to be ready to let go, because God just might take away that person or thing entirely, but he’s doing it for your own growth and good. God has a way of giving you hope when you feel you’ve lost everything else. Life can bring you down so low to where you feel there’s no way you could pick yourself up and smile again, and even if you had a reason to, you wouldn’t want to because you’re so bent on the hurt that came your way and stole the best of you. You should accept the happiness, even if the joy seems undeserving. The same way we do nothing to deserve the bad things in life, we don’t always have to be deserving of the good. It’s called grace, and God is most graceful. Unlike people, God doesn’t say you have to deserve joy to receive it. Be grateful, and embrace the moments that come when you need them the most. You don’t always have to fight that smile when it’s trying to shine through. Sometimes you just have to put aside your pity and let yourself be happy.

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He knows his children well and even instilled in them, the precise levels of courage and vulnerability that it takes to fall to their knees.

There’s no greater love that hugs your sensitivity and caresses your fears with hope and belief that there is more to life than what you’ve seen. There are sweet whispers that stay in our minds through the next complication that stumps us; those very reminisces of counsel are what carries us through. Even with the advice of friends, family and ageless wisdom, the voice of God surpasses it all giving enlightenment that’s so trusting, that it leaves no room for doubt. Without that unconditional love, we’d be defenseless; one would be downright foolish to let others convince them that there is a love that could top that. He was there as hearts were broken, and even stood by when lovers chose appealing lies over the retched truths that He whispered diligently in their ears. He makes situations right even after we stand firm by what’s wrong, and that’s a love that only He can continue to give, without regretting the act of kindness. At the wake of every morning, and the fade to every dim illusion, there’s an ounce of desire for more than what we’ve experienced and there’s a God that can take us there. This love should be remembered most in midst of times that begin with ‘why’. He gave life and showed with passion how to build love. He made it last and grow to be so enduring. God gave examples in history of how to accomplish goals with perseverance and determination, even biblical references for withstanding trials beyond what we will face. He reads our hearts the way we desire lovers to, places people in our lives so we won’t have to travel the seas and search the lands for people that will fit us. Life is full of twisted uncertainties and chaotic rearrangements and it almost never goes in order with all the daydreams that dance in our thoughts with the excellence we imagine. Underneath it all, like a backbone, everyday there seems to be a laugh thrown in somewhere and anytime there’s a need to run, God is patiently waiting for a prayer from the child that He designed in what He sees as perfection. He knows his children well and even instilled in them, the precise levels of courage and vulnerability that it takes to fall to their knees. It’s admirable the way the Lord desires us with such patience. He yearns for that love from His child and is always so delicate with the tender heart that reaches out. That love is so withstanding, and it’s beyond me how a love that suburb can endlessly exist, but that’s all it takes to keep His children coming back for more and that’s enough to see the beauty in it all.

-God Bless

God’s Love

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