Category Archives: Personal Growth

–Breathe, Skin Deep*

Today’s the day I’ll finally say, I’m doing way more than great.

I’m pretty some days, other days I’m sexier, the waist looks thinner.  I’m a thick woman, still so fine. I’m happy to be mine. I adore a reflection everytime I pass by; and for so long, I’ve been waiting for that prime time. For years I lost me, back when you became mine. They watched my essence start fading everytime you came by. But after years of being held down, I broke free and took back my crown. We been apart for some time; you always thought I was yours, but I knew that you weren’t mine. Now that time has come, my time is titled divine; ‘Best believe Mama B’s gonna shine.

It took a bit of faith, it took a shit load of struggle; you can say I hustled through the bullshit and found my way. I prayed with every step, thank God today’s not just another day. For months I’ve been riding on a cloud, feeling so proud. I finally found my way; tomorrow’s looking more than great. All those hazy days cleared their greys, now I’m straight, it’s time to buckle down and be all I gotta be to pave the way.

I got three strong beauties just looking at me, waiting for the next step so they can hop on my beat; they wait for Mama’s go just to move their feet. And I’m proud to be, so proud to be the one that their following, I’m proud to be leading the way.

I guess when you met me, you thought I was just another chick around the way, thought I wouldn’t have too much to say. Three months in, you said, “Just sit back and look pretty.” So offended, I wanted to bust your face, but instead I just sat back with grace, and stayed content with my feelings. But my heart speaks way more than I led on, a soft voice but I speak strong; don’t get it wrong, she’s a woman that’s unique, tricky and convincing like her physique. A beauty much more than skin deep, a soul that captures and sucks in  whatever you speak, but you spoke some dirty thangs to me. Now I gotta filter all the debris, shake off all the dusty things.

What watch you say to me, reflections reply when you seek whats inside of me, and I won’t lie when speaking of what you left with me. Bad memories, too much drama, too much violence, you were crazy. And I’m supposed to sugar-coat the shady things? Nah, I’ma speak on everything. I’d probably let it fly, if it were just me, but you affected my babies, my fancy jewels, my shiny things. And this is the time when a mother speaks, so sit back and just let it bleed. ‘Cause it’s the truth and its physical. You f*cked up and finally I’ve been let go, so don’t be shocked when this fire-cracker blows. It’s a go.

I’m so free, I’m doing me; I’m speaking truths, confessing everything. Let a woman speak when its her time to breathe. Every lady needs her chance to be, ladies breathe, just take a moment and breathe for you and breathe for me. Breathe for every woman that took on pressure that tattooed her soul skin deep. Breathe for suckas that lost the good ones, breathe for them bad chicks with the big guns; pushing that weight to just become an undefeated champion. Breathe for the girls that just begun, the ones that ain’t found their way, say a prayer that they follow the wisdom that God lays. Pray that they see the steps that we missed, the ones we didn’t take. Pray that we all keep up with the scripture so that the devil can’t hit ya. Pray for the women that are going through too much, pray that a miracle touches every family that lost their way. Pray that the unfair circumstances pave a way, and every family find a rainbow shining bright upon their day. Pray that they find a solution in tomorrow’s promises, pray that they find happiness in another day.

I’m gonna pray, that every woman breathes, the way I breathed today. I want them to feel the oxygen of a woman’s freedom day. As long as you’re here, you still have a chance to make a change. So ladies, let’s breathe and feel freedom today.

Advertisements

-Her Last Toast to Goodbye*

Freedom sings and we outgrow the self doubt that clipped our wings. After years of hesitation, the heart has grown wild, ran away and got chased, got bothered but now she waves. Before him, she lived and loved moving to the next phase. Relations could end but never end her. And a part of who I am will always despise you for what you did to her. For years, they watched her whither away too soon, but Aretha claimed, “A rose is still and always will be, a rose.” , and thus she still bloomed. He brought a new conclusion that lacked ultimate improvement, traded lies for rage and for her love that was the end of days. With love still existing she was under her hearts attack, but she fought that, and every time her mind fought back. All of her inconsistencies would drive everyone surrounding her insane. She went back more times than she backed out, loved him until her heart blacked out. Woke up and had to find the Holy Spirit just to figure it all out. Now she knows where she wants to be. You can love one soul with every depth of who you are, but with lacked reciprocation the love can’t go far. Then one day, he finally made a start, he became somebody better and came back to claim her heart. But by then her love was too buried in resentment and shame, the good heart turned dark and his heart sank below his soul as the truth inflicted pain. In some way, he would never be the same, knowing he once had her but would never grip her that way again. But that’s the past, this ends the game; she’s gone and he is the only one to blame. What a shame to know that Dream would never be claimed. Ultimately love brought a lot but nothing could be claimed, and three seeds grew as they all witnessed why a fairytale dies; a “love at first sight” would be in vain, but she won’t be the one that cries, like a boomerang, his sins birthed pain as repercussions blasted in his face. Truthfully, she learned lessons and walked away dignified: Left love behind so high and dry and only his soul would collapse as love dies. In the end his soul sings the same song that made her heart cry, still he’ll walk away stunting pride, but knowing deep inside true love ain’t worth the lies. On her end, she’ll toss her hair and say ‘that’s life’, and likewise she’ll accept the truth for every lie, and vow to love herself above it all; it’s her hearts’ last time, making her last toast to goodbye.*

I wrote this for a beloved friend of mine, her situation taught me just as much as my own did. I struggled with whether or not I should share such a private and personal letter but I just think a lot of other lovers share the same emotions, so please, learn from her heart’s story.

There have been times when she didn’t know her own strength, and at times she couldn’t even see the limits she placed on herself. There were days when she woke up confident, knowing that her smile would genuinely last. In those very days, she had her ultimate breakdowns and truly came face to face with her hearts reality. She was frail for love, for the past, especially weak for a feeling that was gone but the memory alone had her bound into hope. She knew she had it in her to leave a love that she wanted so bad to keep, but she loved him and the though t of him too much to do it.

She needed strength beyond herself; she needed God to drag the true strength of a woman out of her, because she alone didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay and let love run its course,but she was getting restless with playing forever the fool. Even in the midst of every lie, at the end of the day she wanted to try to make it work. She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she wasn’t supposed to stay in that relationship, she knew an ending was approaching. It’s still a mystery and divine wonder how she knew it, but she simply felt it; growing inside of her like a cancer poisoning her high hopes with depressing truths of the reality she lived in. Above all the other emotions and mixed desires, she was becoming well aware of her worth.

When that day of courage and will came, she ran with it and left the love that built her, a love that shaped her in good ways and bad, most of all it was a love that gave her hope. She knew that she was trapped in a plea, a craving for more than the love he would give, but held by a promise from him, for better. She believed that a love like that could endure and last. There came time when that love, that passion and friendship was no longer good for her, somehow something cruel had crept in and remained  lying in between them, slowly putting them in a battle against each other. He broke her heart and even in the days that she stayed the love was being slowly ruined, like a rotting fruit that once would taste so sweet, the effect couldn’t be undone.  There came a turning point in which all that built her began to break her down, and she watched herself sink lower and lower into a weakness for love, but even in those moments she knew she would eventually see the day of letting go.  It was love, but not a love worth standing by, she was alone in love and eventually she was the only one fighting for it. That’s when it was enough. They began having repeated nights of silence and empty conversations. She needed him to beg her to stay; she needed him to change her mind, and even if it was fooling her, she needed that; she wanted him to give her a reason so she wouldn’t have to walk away and end a relationship that she bet her heart on. When the silence sunk in and she found herself empty of all the things she needed so badly, she knew it was over.

Although she stayed physically, she knew deep inside that emotionally he was drifting; she was lost in awe of how they reached the point of love to where her love was no longer enough to keep this man at home and in her arms. He was doing what he wanted regardless of how good he had it at home. She grew and she learned that unless she stood up, change wasn’t coming, and no matter how bad it got, he would stay in the relationship; she couldn’t depend on him to walk away. He wasn’t loving in the way he should, and she was loving in ways she shouldn’t, even to a man who meant the world to her, and she claimed as her hero, even to him she was giving too much giving pieces that were undeserved. She went through phases unheard of, ones that an untarnished heart couldn’t imagine. She took steps forth, just be drug back to phase one, but even with that, time began to heal her, and with every day, even in her rivers of tears, she became stronger and she grew inspired and determined to love herself above love, itself.

The Essence of a Broken Heart

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Her Single Declaration

I’m a lover at heart, and I always will be. I’ll always know that being in a strong loving relationship truly keeps me warm at night. With that said, I keep thinking of this single life as a part time job I’ll have to work in order to get me to where I want to be. But maybe it’s something I must own, a situation I need to live through and complete before I’ll ever be ready to believe in love with such a giving heart as I once did. I don’t want to rush into emotions thinking I got lucky when truthfully I’m embracing something that is helping me to avoid the dreadful period of ‘no significant other’. I’ve always been in relationships, but suddenly I’ve been taken by a storm that caused me to require an emotional separation from love in that sense.

I gave everything that a woman could possibly give of herself and when you do that and it still doesn’t measure up to forever, it has a way of fucking shit up in your heart and hopes, and in your mind as well. You start to questions things, people, and intentions; everything becomes suspect to possibly bringing you pain again. When you believe in something or someone so much and then reality hits that your fairytale was just as distorted and downhill as the next persons, you start to see that sometimes even the best love story’s have their endings.  What the hell happened to the love I used to brag about? I took so much pride in that relationship truly thinking it was better than anyone else’s.  You look back and see the definition of what you called love. You start to remember the gut feelings that haunted you, but even more you recall sweeping them aside with high hopes and wishful thinking.

Let’s face it, we can all fall victim to heartbreak, we put our trust and understanding in the hands of another imperfect human. Half the time we’re unaware of what their internal battles are therefore often times there’s a lot that we don’t see ourselves getting into. But that’s life and you need love to live a full one. Rest assured that eventually you’ll heal and  you’ll take that risk again one day because you’d rather put your heart on the edge knowing the cost you could pay because love is worth that sacred chance. That’s harder to imagine than it is to say, but I truly believe that one day I and every other single man or woman I know will feel that way. For every heart that’s born, there’s another heart for it to live happily and confidently with. That’s something beautiful to look towards, and you know it’s out there, even when the depressed broken heart tells you otherwise.

For now, you must do the necessary and carry on. Carry yourself to the brightest future you can imagine, be successful and light the path to the destiny you’ve always dreamed of. Take this chance to paint your future out just how you want it without the concern of fitting someone else’s lifestyle as well. BE SINGLE AND OWN IT TO THE FULLEST. Love will make its way back around when the time is undeniably right, and the heart has drastically healed. You’ll be a better person by that time, and you’ll have a lot more love to give. For now, be your own special someone, and be true to yourself. Above everything, follow your heart, trust your voice and go forth with your life knowing that God is working it all out for you. You no longer have to look for Mr. or Ms. Right, just embrace people for who they are and enjoy them without looking for a lasting love in their eyes. Focus on your bright future, let your heart be the driving force inside of you and do it for the first time like you’ve never done it before. Be bold and claim the passions you have for life outside of romance. Believe it or not there’s more that drives you than just the heart of a hopeless romantic with a head full of fairytales. There’s more that you have to offer this world, more that you have to offer yourself, so do your soul searching and find that other beautiful person you’ve forgotten about for so long now, DO YOU!

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Some things don’t have a time, many circumstances are born a challenge, they aren’t meant to be easy and that’s the nature of their purpose.

How often do you find yourself avoiding a task or obstacle due to absolute hesitance, whether it is out of fear of something worse or lack of preparation for something better? Do you ever wonder if it’s you, yourself that’s standing in the way of a blessing, simply because you’re not sure if you’re ready for the next chapter in your life?

We’ve all been there, whether it’s an awkward conversation we’re avoiding, a career advancement that we don’t feel equipped for, or maybe it’s simply resolving a situation in which you’re not sure how you want it to conclude. I believe in these stubborn situations, it’s not now or never, but rather now or forever. Do you want to face it head on today and lay to rest a matter that has been eating at you for quite some time now? Or sweep it under the rug once again and allow that situation to resurface itself in your future? (This process has a funny way of repeating rapidly carrying a situation with you constantly in the slickest way). Don’t stay trapped in an obstacle or phase in your life. Don’t become fixated to your troubles while expecting yourself to move forward in every other area thinking that situation will just fix itself. Time doesn’t pause or wait for you due to what you’re going through. Life will keep moving along regardless of whether or not you’re ready for it, the question at stake is how much catching up will you have to do by the time you overcome the very thing you’re avoiding?  If you wait until you’re ready, you’ll be waiting for the rest of your life. Some things don’t have a time, many circumstances are born a challenge, they aren’t meant to be easy and that’s the nature of their purpose. Some of these situations you’ll have to face head on and with bravery and courage, regardless of when you decide to do it. The difficulty of the matter won’t cease, and many times that’s what we wait upon. Us humans are so peculiar in the sense that we clearly agree to understand that we don’t live in a magical Disney World of a paradise yet with so many situations we wait patiently or rather avoid intently expecting a breeze of wonder to sweep in and do the hard work for us.

Now, I will be the first to stand up and agree that God has a grasping and marvelous way of saving us when we need it the most, but I think too often we confuse that blessing with a notion of expecting a superhero so much that we avoid some of our greatest potential lessons, which are often best learned first-hand.  The truth to this is that we know what we’re doing, or rather NOT doing; we’re not senseless enough to really forget this huge matter that’s being carried with us, silently scratching at the back of our thoughts. To this day, this idea of facing fears and silencing hesitations has never failed me. It’s one of the few circumstances in which I’ve always came out on top and I always felt up lifted and relieved. When it was all said and done and I owned up to whatever it was I was resisting and avoiding, I always realized that I walked away with a lesson greater than I expected and I can still remember each and every time I’ve stood up facing my fears and silencing the doubts so that I could move forward. Looking back, I really don’t think I would be where I am today, in the mental, physical and emotional sense if I hadn’t challenged those hesitations and did what I had to do for myself, for the sake of moving forward and advancing myself for the better. So do what you have to do, own up to whatever it is and do so knowing that you are taking one more step towards living your life to its greatest potential. Be brave, confident and secure in what you know and desire. Know what you want out of life and be ready to face the obstacles that will stand in your way even if it requires you to step out of your comfort zones. It’s worth it.

The Avoided Lesson

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Facing who you are completely and being honest with the beauties and bruises of complexity you possess is a key to finding self-love.”

Three years ago I was a self-professed expert on love and relationships. With much of the internal battle from both parties unseen, I believed and truly comprehended that my relationship was at a grand peak and I had much experience to declare myself as worthy of addressing just about any subject regarding love. Now, twelve well documented yet short lived seasons later, I’m coming to the understanding that even with a great deal of experience and awkward situations under my belt, I have still fallen short of knowing the greatest depths of love, partially because I hadn’t reached deep enough within myself to discover the love that is rooted beneath the woman I am to the world. I truly believe that half of the love you give someone is the love that you have for yourself.  That can be a good or bad thing depending on your self- love. We’ve heard a particular saying endless times, and I’m sure I’ll continue to hear it bringing a sharp reminder of who I am and who I have yet to be. They say, “You must love yourself before you can love someone else.” As positive and true as that quote is, without a sense of direction on where to go from there, it can leave someone still craving more of the truth that waits patiently to be heard. With all appreciation to the person that put that notion into a worldwide declaration of self-righteousness, I’ve never had the honesty with myself to say to someone else, “Thanks for being seemingly perfect but I’ll pass on your offer of being everything I might need in a man, because I simply need to love myself more before I can love you.” I still have yet to utter that verse.
In a perfect world, perhaps I would take that chance and send a man on his way, explaining in the perfect words that there’s so much more that I must know and appreciate about myself before I should embark on the journey of sharing who I am with someone who wants all of me. From experience I can say that it is an exhausting task to love someone in ways in which they don’t even love themselves, and to give someone a love that they repeatedly insist to society that they are unworthy of.  So yes, self-love is proven to be a key component to healthy relationships.
Since I began the journey of unvieling true self-love, I’ve found that establishing a good relationship with myself is much more complex than doing so with someone else. In fact, now that my upmost honesty has presented itself, I can admit that there’s a lot that I don’t know and apprehend about who I am. In the past I have tried to give people all of me, without truly knowing what all that entailed. I always said I love who I am but when I ask myself why, I’m paused at what all I’m made of and why I love those things. But the journey of unfolding my colors and laying them out to piece together is becoming easier and something I can do on a regular basis and in a respectful manner.
So I’ll attempt to share with you how I am learning to grasp the warm comfort of self-love. First I think we all need to be aware of where we stand on the matter. Do you feel that you have too low of a self-esteem and perhaps you lack self-love? Or do you think that you may be a bit too confident and be pushing close to the border of arrogance? Perhaps you battle with a bit of both.  Either way self-love is an understanding that can shine a light on who you are, delivering you from so many unseen and unspoken battles that dwell within.
I’m a smart girl who is learning when to let wisdom speak through me as well as when to stop foolishness from escaping my thoughts and shattering into an open conversation. I also have a keen way of separating the people that I appreciate to the point of needing in life apart from the people that I simple WANT to be in my life.  I’ve come to abundantly respect and necessarily dismiss so many people with these understandings. I also have a nurturing heart that will always thrive to care and comfort others. That has always been a major part of who I am, and even when I attempt to bury that giving girl in hopes of protecting my ego, she whispers sweet nothing’s of kindness and honesty beneath my core letting me she’ll always be WHO I REALLY AM rather than someone I will outgrow. In fact if I ever truly did dismiss my caring heart and replace it with a girl that didn’t give two shits about someone else’s feelings, I would be living a lie and living as someone that I’m not. I think everybody has that alter ego to them, pieces of who they are that they try to do away with in hopes that they won’t get hurt by someone else or even bring shame to themselves. Maybe they feel those pieces make them a weaker individual, or perhaps they’ve given that character too much airplay in the past and they ended up getting screwed over. Either way I think we all tend to bury pieces of our psyche in hopes to escape a deeper war weighing within. I’m coming to believe that the very voices we push away are sometimes the ones we need to hear the most. How many times have you ignored Gods’ advice, assuring yourself that you’ve got this one covered? How often do you catch yourself denying something about yourself, in fear of the person you may have to face next time you take a quick glance at the mirror? Think about it, and open yourself up to your new found zone of honesty.
If I were asked to list my strengths, would my tone and confidence drop when listing my weaknesses? I ask myself, would I want to curl up and disappear if someone questioned me about my most honest and shameful insecurities? Eventually I hope to carry the same confidence and belief in who I can be regarding my flaws and imperfections as I do with the things I know I’m great at. I’ve been blessed to witness confident people who are well aware of their flaws, and can even address their insecurities with a confident understanding and respect for themselves. That’s beautiful to me! That’s the vision of happiness within myself that I will continue to strive for. But let me be clear, I don’t think self-love is something someone can succeed at, rather I think it should me a never ending ladder for one to climb rather than a goal to be obtained; only because we’re constantly learning about ourselves and hopefully growing into more beautifully flourished  souls. However, with that said, when I do imagine success that self-love and genuine happiness that I will carry is most definitely in the picture.With all the great characteristics we can name off about ourselves, the flaws and insecurities are just as important to recognize and respect. Those are inner battles we must eventually face, if we ever want to welcome ourselves to the wonder of self-love.
With a world of great characteristics stitched together within me, I am also pushing myself to address and figure out the flaws I carry and why my deepest insecurities still trouble me and set me off guard. No matter what your inner battles are, they do need to be confessed and dissected in order for you to understand who you are and further on respect the not so pretty things about yourself. Put it this way, there may two people with the same bad ways, one who’s story I know and understand and the other who has never let me in to see why they are the way they are. I’m more likely to respect and still appreciate the open individual because although they have the same bad ways about them, I at least understand what made them that way, and as the friendship or bond flourished I’m more able to help them overcome that battle thanks to the honesty that opened the door to improvement. It’s hard to help someone if they can’t admit that they need help to begin with, which applies to conflicts with yourself as well. What I’m trying to say is that denial won’t make anything, and I mean ANYTHING disappear. From my experience it only deepens the wound, burying it further into a dark hole only to eventually be drugged out and exposed.
Loving yourself means accepting yourself for who you TRULY are, behind the great impressions you make of yourself and deep into the thoughts that cause you to wonder, questioning what you’re all about. I’ve always told myself that beautiful people are the ones that know they’re worth and have an unguarded and patient respect for the most painful pieces of reality they’ve witnessed in life. With that said, the most appreciative things in my life are the things that I have had to battle with and truly earn as my own; self-understanding is one of those things. It’s hard to appreciate the foul components of yourself when you don’t really understand why you are the way you are. Confidence isn’t about believing that you’re perfect or even that you have less flaws than the next man or woman, it’s about knowing the strengths you possess and how to not abuse them, as well as recognizing your areas of improvement with belief that you can do better; this means doing so without putting yourself down and being your own bully.
Facing who you are completely and being honest with the beauties and bruises of complexity you possess is a key to finding self-love. I truly believe that if the world could just understand the concept of loving who they are and not abusing that privilege or in other cases robbing themselves of it, than having enough room in your heart to love someone else wouldn’t be such a constant battle that we run into.

Sips from the Well of Self-Love

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

…Even with the people set aside, the story itself is undeniably captivating.

If we could all just understand the beauty we withhold and the courage we keep so hidden. We could be so amazing if we just gave ourselves the chance. With passions, careers, family, friendships, and the ultimate treasure, love, we should always keep pushing for the purpose, for the story that’s worth telling. Our journeys and tales are not so much about recognition or even fortune, we don’t wish so much to be envied but more to be understood. If every heart could comprehend one another and truly know the intentions we carry, I think that love wouldn’t be so hard to hold onto, that is if we truly understood it. And with love, it’s never been hard to find; just difficult to trust, confusing to decipher and sometimes a conflict to keep believing in. But it is worth the worry and it is worthy of the tears, even with the people set aside, the story itself is undeniably captivating. It catches every character that becomes a part of it and somehow it gives us the faith to believe in it, all over again. It’s that one cycle that builds itself back up and starts all over again. We’ve all believed in it, fought for it, we’ve turned away from it, only to find it again in another form. If love is something you don’t believe in, that’s understandable considering the mystery behind your untold story, but search to figure out why you don’t trust it. I can recall several times when I thought love was a mission I would no longer attempt, even a myth when I was backed into certain corners of life. But with time our mind changes and we outgrow our doubts in that black magic we call love. It’s beautiful, we should cherish the experience; I can’t imagine a life without those legends to tell.

The Worth in Love

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

The Darkest Corner

When life backs you into certain corners of life, the first instinct is to escape, if that doesn’t seem possible we attempt to numb the pain and cope on our own terms. We do what we must to forget about it, even if for just a moment in time, we forget about the reality that’s facing us. We don’t cry out for help because from our view, security is too far gone, the damage has been done. The lesson is being learned and the scars are being inflicted. For a moment we accept that and take the pain head on truly believing that we’re in it alone.  Due to that we spend years healing the wounds that began the journey, the struggle, and even sometimes the very battle that defines us most. 

Tagged , , ,

This became a dangerous way to love someone as his voice spoke louder in my mind than my own did, statistically I trusted him on more occasions than I trusted myself and mentally he had the upper hand.

Even as a man, he was so much of what I wanted to be as a woman. He was comfortable in his flaws as he always worked to improve his self-worth, and accordingly secure in his plan for his future. He had a fashion sense as good as mine, and I loved the way we complimented each other as we made public appearances as if a way to profess our love. Together we had a stride that demanded an audience, and we took pride in that. He was brave but took chances without ever risking more than he was willing to lose. He wasn’t only clever; he was among the wisest of men I’ve known, so much that he stood in rank of one of the most influential people in my life. He gained wisdom in every past trial he faced, never walking away without a lesson. Nothing defeated him so far, he always rose above the obstacles and came out stronger than before and always one smile closer to his dreams. He knew how to get ahead in life, and with a skilled way with words and a personality that drove his social skills to a new calling, this man was the downfall of so many competitors that crossed his path.  He truly didn’t worry for longer than he should. He placed the concerns beyond his efforts in God’s care, and I admired that part of his character. All of these elements were the pieces of him that I loved, and the best of what I took with me when I left. He grew within me leaving these beneficial traces that would be another guiding light, and I will forever have a loving respect for a piece of my past for that reason.

He was none the less human though, and while he had characteristics that I loved, those beautiful pieces were only half of who he was. We had very different views on the value of love versus success. This man was nine years my senior and 75% of what shaped me since I began this journey of woman hood. My mother whispered to me, “Be careful my love, that man has a charm that could convince and kill.” In the end, my mother’s intuition was right on point, this man had a weapon of magnetism like no other. The gifts of his love were his influence of passion and thrive, but that love came with a curse of questioning my own beliefs of how I should run my life; what will keep me warm at night, love or success? Am I willing to compromise that in order to have him forever? I believed his mind and trusted his guidance. His influence was more powerful than my own. This became a dangerous way to love someone as his voice spoke louder in my mind than my own did, statistically I trusted him on more occasions than I trusted myself and mentally he had the upper hand. This was the first man I ever loved. Clearly love didn’t have to last to satisfy him, it only has to exist, to make a mark, and that was enough for him. Even as a very grown man, marriage was a nice thought in his mind but it wasn’t a piece of his life that he needed. The thoughts of success and wealth somehow kept him warmer at night than a woman’s touch.

We had a seven year long run, full of friendship, betrayal, compromise, plans, and lots and lots of sexual desires. Somehow our intimacy made his impact on me run deep. His carnal knowledge was quite detailed, he learned a lot through his years of relationships with women, and for seven years I slurped every bit of that sex education up. They didn’t teach this shit in grade school, he offered the unrated and uncut version of the truth. He was an expert on pleasing a woman and even a great professor on how a woman could take a man to the edge of ecstasy. I learned every ounce of freakiness from him, sometimes I even wondered what I’d be like if he had never explored the depths of me and turned me out, sexually and mentally. He sexed so good he made a quickie feel like love making, even when I knew his mind was somewhere else, his body told a different story, a much more beautiful lie. The more our bodies were shared, the more our minds began to challenge their similarity. I began to read him better than I had in the past years. I wasn’t sure if I agreed with his values but I was slowly becoming okay with someone very opposite of who I was at heart. Somehow in the heat of sex, I began to introduce him to my additional ways of thinking and he began to warp my mind as well.

Intimacy has a way of taking things to a deeper level, the more involved you become, the more you care, the more you wonder, and the deeper you truly fall. Sex on this level has a magical way of changing a person’s mind, even giving them hope and convincing them to stay a little longer; perhaps they can take me even deeper into this black magic we call love; we were both so guilty of that mindset. Eventually we came to know that we were caught up into something we had lost mental and emotional control over. Friendship, future plans and everything else that had held the relationship up on a pedestal had drifted and all that was left was an ever winding emotional whirlwind of intimacy. Even when it was all that we had left, just a taste of it was still enough to keep us going. It was our drug that we were proud to overindulge in, and deep down we knew it kept us together even when common sense said we should be apart.

You can fall into someone else’s soul without ever knowing it, that sexual, mental and physical bond is strong and can overpower your own mind. Once you reach a certain level of intimacy, I don’t believe it’s just sex, at this point in the game, who you let in determines what is done within you. Will they damage your mind or deliver your spirit? Perhaps they have potential to do both. Are you there for the same reasons they are or are the two motives facing different directions? It’s not only your body that you’re allowing them to enter; intimacy involves the mind, spirit, and heart. What if one day you became just like them, would you be proud to mirror this person?  It’s imperative that an individual takes note of the honest answer to that question.

Intimacy is not only a lovey dovey affair; it leaves deep roots from each person involved. Intimacy drives a connection that’s mentally penetrating and transcendent; it takes you to a state of mind far beyond the words I’m speaking. You touch each other physically while moving inside of each other in every additional essence. You become a piece of the other person, you each leave traces that you’ve been there; at this level of intimacy, you will remember what they were like to the T; even the thoughts that emerged with the strokes will be taken note of. The door of influence creeks open in the midst of desire and two souls intertwine. Intimacy is beautiful, deep and the climax of so many people’s pleasure points, it’s a powerful sharing experience, therefore be aware and particular on whom you share these experiences with. Be knowledgeable on who you are opening yourself up to and the mindset they carry because regardless of whether or not you notice it, intimacy has a way of causing a person’s impact on you to be quite profound.

Intimacy: The Mirror Affect

Tagged , , ,

Although she is nothing like you or I or even the next girl, her story could very well feature the same villains…that woman may be the invisible beauty that fights these battles too.

I believe on average one out of every five women will go through hell and back by the age of twenty seven without a hint of notification to closest people surrounding her. I’ve been blessed to have intellectual encounters with a wide variety of women. Some have been lovers, some have had a hate for love, some were teachers others could never be taught, every one of them have been so different from the next. Unfortunately the only single line they all walked on was that of abuse. They have all battled with respect from men physical and mental, emotional as well as sexual abuse. These encounters came from the hands of boyfriends, coworkers, professionals, fathers, strangers, even family friends. These women have been mocked, slammed, punched, left to die, and punished for their dignity.

Some women choose to go about their relations only involving themselves when they are the dominant ones in the relationship, only because the last time she let a man be in control, she ended up with a fist in her face and caught up with the man she swore she knew well enough. Some of these women have been raped until the scars can’t be disguised, beaten bad enough to convince themselves life is better off if they cover it up and never tell a soul. People have the nerve to wonder why so many women are bougie, why they seem to constantly turn their nose up at men, some even turn their nose up at other women due to the involvement they’ve seen women play in abuse on other women. Many men are clueless to this, they have no idea that the attitude has less to do with material things and more to do with protection, this is one of many ways that women try to shield themselves from dangerous characters they’ve met in the past. I’ve heard women say they feel life would be easier if they took on the role as a hoe, one woman in particular has told me, ” I hear these bastards won’t even fight you if you don’t put up one.” That same middle aged woman went on to say, “I’ll swallow my pride and give it up if it spares me getting my ass whooped.” If you saw this captivating woman, you would never imagine that those were her true thoughts.

So many women fear that lustful gaze of men, only because she’s seen that gaze before. She recalls the black deep alleys that the source of that gaze pushed her into, she recalls quickly jetting back to a pathway that had vanished so quickly, only to be twisted back around into the controlling grasp of a predator. Most of all she remembers that the screams were never heard, she remembers realizing that protection from the crime at that point was out of the question. These women are never fully able to forget the feeling of numbness, and as darkness faded and she laid lifeless seeing the skies shut down before her, this is when she realized that regardless of age, her youthful, innocent spirit will never again breathe the breaths of simplicity, and know that carefree soul as she once did, once a life is corrupted by crime it’s never truly the same.

Now her life is walked on guard, constantly. She doesn’t leave her home without protection, even inside of her home, she now laces it with weapons, ready to be brought out of the dark because she feels, “How else am I going to be guaranteed security?”—these women live under a vow to NEVER go again without protection.

Essence recently published an article discussing the current case of Nafissatou Diallo, whom has come to the public with rape allegations against the high profile Dominique Strauss-Kahn (former Head of International Monetary Fund). Essence went on to release a statistic that came from current studies saying that one in every four black women will be raped in her lifetime, and 7% of black women will report the crime, the average in other races came to 42% of sexual assaults reported. Im not sure why as a society of women we don’t confide in anyone about these encounters. Some women used to and eventually gave it up, some still do. Many women come to feel, at least for herself, that no one on this earth is promised to protect her, it’s her own battle. After a while some women feel that they’ve fought the battles too hard, and fought to gain her dignity back too hard to be humiliated by reaping sympathy from crying out a tragedy to someone. In circumstances like these, for this woman, sympathy can viewed as a pathetic and weak emotion, which in understanding does nothing for a woman who has walked these retched roads.

So you really want to make a difference to a woman who has told you of the disrespect she gets from men? (don’t be foolish enough to assume that the disrespect is all she knows, majority of the time, that’s all she feels comfortable with exposing.) As you are together, wherever it may be, PROTECT her, be attentive of her surroundings, of course without being controlling, GUARD her with your presence. Give her at least the insight that a hero beyond herself may possibly exist. So yes, I agree women are sometimes guarded, bougie, and highly emotional creatures, as anyone who has walked these roads would be. It’s this woman still having herself at the end of every day that gives her the pride and will to exhale and truly love and embrace herself completely. After being dragged through hell, and occasionally passing by it’s alleys on earth, these women begin to respect themselves for the battles they’ve fought, admire and appreciate every other woman as well regardless of race, religion, size, sexual orientation ect. knowing that although she is nothing like you or I or even the next girl, her story could very well feature the same villains…that woman may be the invisible beauty that fights these battles too.

Woman’s War

Tagged , , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: