Category Archives: self respect

-Her Last Toast to Goodbye*

Freedom sings and we outgrow the self doubt that clipped our wings. After years of hesitation, the heart has grown wild, ran away and got chased, got bothered but now she waves. Before him, she lived and loved moving to the next phase. Relations could end but never end her. And a part of who I am will always despise you for what you did to her. For years, they watched her whither away too soon, but Aretha claimed, “A rose is still and always will be, a rose.” , and thus she still bloomed. He brought a new conclusion that lacked ultimate improvement, traded lies for rage and for her love that was the end of days. With love still existing she was under her hearts attack, but she fought that, and every time her mind fought back. All of her inconsistencies would drive everyone surrounding her insane. She went back more times than she backed out, loved him until her heart blacked out. Woke up and had to find the Holy Spirit just to figure it all out. Now she knows where she wants to be. You can love one soul with every depth of who you are, but with lacked reciprocation the love can’t go far. Then one day, he finally made a start, he became somebody better and came back to claim her heart. But by then her love was too buried in resentment and shame, the good heart turned dark and his heart sank below his soul as the truth inflicted pain. In some way, he would never be the same, knowing he once had her but would never grip her that way again. But that’s the past, this ends the game; she’s gone and he is the only one to blame. What a shame to know that Dream would never be claimed. Ultimately love brought a lot but nothing could be claimed, and three seeds grew as they all witnessed why a fairytale dies; a “love at first sight” would be in vain, but she won’t be the one that cries, like a boomerang, his sins birthed pain as repercussions blasted in his face. Truthfully, she learned lessons and walked away dignified: Left love behind so high and dry and only his soul would collapse as love dies. In the end his soul sings the same song that made her heart cry, still he’ll walk away stunting pride, but knowing deep inside true love ain’t worth the lies. On her end, she’ll toss her hair and say ‘that’s life’, and likewise she’ll accept the truth for every lie, and vow to love herself above it all; it’s her hearts’ last time, making her last toast to goodbye.*

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I wrote this for a beloved friend of mine, her situation taught me just as much as my own did. I struggled with whether or not I should share such a private and personal letter but I just think a lot of other lovers share the same emotions, so please, learn from her heart’s story.

There have been times when she didn’t know her own strength, and at times she couldn’t even see the limits she placed on herself. There were days when she woke up confident, knowing that her smile would genuinely last. In those very days, she had her ultimate breakdowns and truly came face to face with her hearts reality. She was frail for love, for the past, especially weak for a feeling that was gone but the memory alone had her bound into hope. She knew she had it in her to leave a love that she wanted so bad to keep, but she loved him and the though t of him too much to do it.

She needed strength beyond herself; she needed God to drag the true strength of a woman out of her, because she alone didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay and let love run its course,but she was getting restless with playing forever the fool. Even in the midst of every lie, at the end of the day she wanted to try to make it work. She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she wasn’t supposed to stay in that relationship, she knew an ending was approaching. It’s still a mystery and divine wonder how she knew it, but she simply felt it; growing inside of her like a cancer poisoning her high hopes with depressing truths of the reality she lived in. Above all the other emotions and mixed desires, she was becoming well aware of her worth.

When that day of courage and will came, she ran with it and left the love that built her, a love that shaped her in good ways and bad, most of all it was a love that gave her hope. She knew that she was trapped in a plea, a craving for more than the love he would give, but held by a promise from him, for better. She believed that a love like that could endure and last. There came time when that love, that passion and friendship was no longer good for her, somehow something cruel had crept in and remained  lying in between them, slowly putting them in a battle against each other. He broke her heart and even in the days that she stayed the love was being slowly ruined, like a rotting fruit that once would taste so sweet, the effect couldn’t be undone.  There came a turning point in which all that built her began to break her down, and she watched herself sink lower and lower into a weakness for love, but even in those moments she knew she would eventually see the day of letting go.  It was love, but not a love worth standing by, she was alone in love and eventually she was the only one fighting for it. That’s when it was enough. They began having repeated nights of silence and empty conversations. She needed him to beg her to stay; she needed him to change her mind, and even if it was fooling her, she needed that; she wanted him to give her a reason so she wouldn’t have to walk away and end a relationship that she bet her heart on. When the silence sunk in and she found herself empty of all the things she needed so badly, she knew it was over.

Although she stayed physically, she knew deep inside that emotionally he was drifting; she was lost in awe of how they reached the point of love to where her love was no longer enough to keep this man at home and in her arms. He was doing what he wanted regardless of how good he had it at home. She grew and she learned that unless she stood up, change wasn’t coming, and no matter how bad it got, he would stay in the relationship; she couldn’t depend on him to walk away. He wasn’t loving in the way he should, and she was loving in ways she shouldn’t, even to a man who meant the world to her, and she claimed as her hero, even to him she was giving too much giving pieces that were undeserved. She went through phases unheard of, ones that an untarnished heart couldn’t imagine. She took steps forth, just be drug back to phase one, but even with that, time began to heal her, and with every day, even in her rivers of tears, she became stronger and she grew inspired and determined to love herself above love, itself.

The Essence of a Broken Heart

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Her Single Declaration

I’m a lover at heart, and I always will be. I’ll always know that being in a strong loving relationship truly keeps me warm at night. With that said, I keep thinking of this single life as a part time job I’ll have to work in order to get me to where I want to be. But maybe it’s something I must own, a situation I need to live through and complete before I’ll ever be ready to believe in love with such a giving heart as I once did. I don’t want to rush into emotions thinking I got lucky when truthfully I’m embracing something that is helping me to avoid the dreadful period of ‘no significant other’. I’ve always been in relationships, but suddenly I’ve been taken by a storm that caused me to require an emotional separation from love in that sense.

I gave everything that a woman could possibly give of herself and when you do that and it still doesn’t measure up to forever, it has a way of fucking shit up in your heart and hopes, and in your mind as well. You start to questions things, people, and intentions; everything becomes suspect to possibly bringing you pain again. When you believe in something or someone so much and then reality hits that your fairytale was just as distorted and downhill as the next persons, you start to see that sometimes even the best love story’s have their endings.  What the hell happened to the love I used to brag about? I took so much pride in that relationship truly thinking it was better than anyone else’s.  You look back and see the definition of what you called love. You start to remember the gut feelings that haunted you, but even more you recall sweeping them aside with high hopes and wishful thinking.

Let’s face it, we can all fall victim to heartbreak, we put our trust and understanding in the hands of another imperfect human. Half the time we’re unaware of what their internal battles are therefore often times there’s a lot that we don’t see ourselves getting into. But that’s life and you need love to live a full one. Rest assured that eventually you’ll heal and  you’ll take that risk again one day because you’d rather put your heart on the edge knowing the cost you could pay because love is worth that sacred chance. That’s harder to imagine than it is to say, but I truly believe that one day I and every other single man or woman I know will feel that way. For every heart that’s born, there’s another heart for it to live happily and confidently with. That’s something beautiful to look towards, and you know it’s out there, even when the depressed broken heart tells you otherwise.

For now, you must do the necessary and carry on. Carry yourself to the brightest future you can imagine, be successful and light the path to the destiny you’ve always dreamed of. Take this chance to paint your future out just how you want it without the concern of fitting someone else’s lifestyle as well. BE SINGLE AND OWN IT TO THE FULLEST. Love will make its way back around when the time is undeniably right, and the heart has drastically healed. You’ll be a better person by that time, and you’ll have a lot more love to give. For now, be your own special someone, and be true to yourself. Above everything, follow your heart, trust your voice and go forth with your life knowing that God is working it all out for you. You no longer have to look for Mr. or Ms. Right, just embrace people for who they are and enjoy them without looking for a lasting love in their eyes. Focus on your bright future, let your heart be the driving force inside of you and do it for the first time like you’ve never done it before. Be bold and claim the passions you have for life outside of romance. Believe it or not there’s more that drives you than just the heart of a hopeless romantic with a head full of fairytales. There’s more that you have to offer this world, more that you have to offer yourself, so do your soul searching and find that other beautiful person you’ve forgotten about for so long now, DO YOU!

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Some things don’t have a time, many circumstances are born a challenge, they aren’t meant to be easy and that’s the nature of their purpose.

How often do you find yourself avoiding a task or obstacle due to absolute hesitance, whether it is out of fear of something worse or lack of preparation for something better? Do you ever wonder if it’s you, yourself that’s standing in the way of a blessing, simply because you’re not sure if you’re ready for the next chapter in your life?

We’ve all been there, whether it’s an awkward conversation we’re avoiding, a career advancement that we don’t feel equipped for, or maybe it’s simply resolving a situation in which you’re not sure how you want it to conclude. I believe in these stubborn situations, it’s not now or never, but rather now or forever. Do you want to face it head on today and lay to rest a matter that has been eating at you for quite some time now? Or sweep it under the rug once again and allow that situation to resurface itself in your future? (This process has a funny way of repeating rapidly carrying a situation with you constantly in the slickest way). Don’t stay trapped in an obstacle or phase in your life. Don’t become fixated to your troubles while expecting yourself to move forward in every other area thinking that situation will just fix itself. Time doesn’t pause or wait for you due to what you’re going through. Life will keep moving along regardless of whether or not you’re ready for it, the question at stake is how much catching up will you have to do by the time you overcome the very thing you’re avoiding?  If you wait until you’re ready, you’ll be waiting for the rest of your life. Some things don’t have a time, many circumstances are born a challenge, they aren’t meant to be easy and that’s the nature of their purpose. Some of these situations you’ll have to face head on and with bravery and courage, regardless of when you decide to do it. The difficulty of the matter won’t cease, and many times that’s what we wait upon. Us humans are so peculiar in the sense that we clearly agree to understand that we don’t live in a magical Disney World of a paradise yet with so many situations we wait patiently or rather avoid intently expecting a breeze of wonder to sweep in and do the hard work for us.

Now, I will be the first to stand up and agree that God has a grasping and marvelous way of saving us when we need it the most, but I think too often we confuse that blessing with a notion of expecting a superhero so much that we avoid some of our greatest potential lessons, which are often best learned first-hand.  The truth to this is that we know what we’re doing, or rather NOT doing; we’re not senseless enough to really forget this huge matter that’s being carried with us, silently scratching at the back of our thoughts. To this day, this idea of facing fears and silencing hesitations has never failed me. It’s one of the few circumstances in which I’ve always came out on top and I always felt up lifted and relieved. When it was all said and done and I owned up to whatever it was I was resisting and avoiding, I always realized that I walked away with a lesson greater than I expected and I can still remember each and every time I’ve stood up facing my fears and silencing the doubts so that I could move forward. Looking back, I really don’t think I would be where I am today, in the mental, physical and emotional sense if I hadn’t challenged those hesitations and did what I had to do for myself, for the sake of moving forward and advancing myself for the better. So do what you have to do, own up to whatever it is and do so knowing that you are taking one more step towards living your life to its greatest potential. Be brave, confident and secure in what you know and desire. Know what you want out of life and be ready to face the obstacles that will stand in your way even if it requires you to step out of your comfort zones. It’s worth it.

The Avoided Lesson

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“Facing who you are completely and being honest with the beauties and bruises of complexity you possess is a key to finding self-love.”

Three years ago I was a self-professed expert on love and relationships. With much of the internal battle from both parties unseen, I believed and truly comprehended that my relationship was at a grand peak and I had much experience to declare myself as worthy of addressing just about any subject regarding love. Now, twelve well documented yet short lived seasons later, I’m coming to the understanding that even with a great deal of experience and awkward situations under my belt, I have still fallen short of knowing the greatest depths of love, partially because I hadn’t reached deep enough within myself to discover the love that is rooted beneath the woman I am to the world. I truly believe that half of the love you give someone is the love that you have for yourself.  That can be a good or bad thing depending on your self- love. We’ve heard a particular saying endless times, and I’m sure I’ll continue to hear it bringing a sharp reminder of who I am and who I have yet to be. They say, “You must love yourself before you can love someone else.” As positive and true as that quote is, without a sense of direction on where to go from there, it can leave someone still craving more of the truth that waits patiently to be heard. With all appreciation to the person that put that notion into a worldwide declaration of self-righteousness, I’ve never had the honesty with myself to say to someone else, “Thanks for being seemingly perfect but I’ll pass on your offer of being everything I might need in a man, because I simply need to love myself more before I can love you.” I still have yet to utter that verse.
In a perfect world, perhaps I would take that chance and send a man on his way, explaining in the perfect words that there’s so much more that I must know and appreciate about myself before I should embark on the journey of sharing who I am with someone who wants all of me. From experience I can say that it is an exhausting task to love someone in ways in which they don’t even love themselves, and to give someone a love that they repeatedly insist to society that they are unworthy of.  So yes, self-love is proven to be a key component to healthy relationships.
Since I began the journey of unvieling true self-love, I’ve found that establishing a good relationship with myself is much more complex than doing so with someone else. In fact, now that my upmost honesty has presented itself, I can admit that there’s a lot that I don’t know and apprehend about who I am. In the past I have tried to give people all of me, without truly knowing what all that entailed. I always said I love who I am but when I ask myself why, I’m paused at what all I’m made of and why I love those things. But the journey of unfolding my colors and laying them out to piece together is becoming easier and something I can do on a regular basis and in a respectful manner.
So I’ll attempt to share with you how I am learning to grasp the warm comfort of self-love. First I think we all need to be aware of where we stand on the matter. Do you feel that you have too low of a self-esteem and perhaps you lack self-love? Or do you think that you may be a bit too confident and be pushing close to the border of arrogance? Perhaps you battle with a bit of both.  Either way self-love is an understanding that can shine a light on who you are, delivering you from so many unseen and unspoken battles that dwell within.
I’m a smart girl who is learning when to let wisdom speak through me as well as when to stop foolishness from escaping my thoughts and shattering into an open conversation. I also have a keen way of separating the people that I appreciate to the point of needing in life apart from the people that I simple WANT to be in my life.  I’ve come to abundantly respect and necessarily dismiss so many people with these understandings. I also have a nurturing heart that will always thrive to care and comfort others. That has always been a major part of who I am, and even when I attempt to bury that giving girl in hopes of protecting my ego, she whispers sweet nothing’s of kindness and honesty beneath my core letting me she’ll always be WHO I REALLY AM rather than someone I will outgrow. In fact if I ever truly did dismiss my caring heart and replace it with a girl that didn’t give two shits about someone else’s feelings, I would be living a lie and living as someone that I’m not. I think everybody has that alter ego to them, pieces of who they are that they try to do away with in hopes that they won’t get hurt by someone else or even bring shame to themselves. Maybe they feel those pieces make them a weaker individual, or perhaps they’ve given that character too much airplay in the past and they ended up getting screwed over. Either way I think we all tend to bury pieces of our psyche in hopes to escape a deeper war weighing within. I’m coming to believe that the very voices we push away are sometimes the ones we need to hear the most. How many times have you ignored Gods’ advice, assuring yourself that you’ve got this one covered? How often do you catch yourself denying something about yourself, in fear of the person you may have to face next time you take a quick glance at the mirror? Think about it, and open yourself up to your new found zone of honesty.
If I were asked to list my strengths, would my tone and confidence drop when listing my weaknesses? I ask myself, would I want to curl up and disappear if someone questioned me about my most honest and shameful insecurities? Eventually I hope to carry the same confidence and belief in who I can be regarding my flaws and imperfections as I do with the things I know I’m great at. I’ve been blessed to witness confident people who are well aware of their flaws, and can even address their insecurities with a confident understanding and respect for themselves. That’s beautiful to me! That’s the vision of happiness within myself that I will continue to strive for. But let me be clear, I don’t think self-love is something someone can succeed at, rather I think it should me a never ending ladder for one to climb rather than a goal to be obtained; only because we’re constantly learning about ourselves and hopefully growing into more beautifully flourished  souls. However, with that said, when I do imagine success that self-love and genuine happiness that I will carry is most definitely in the picture.With all the great characteristics we can name off about ourselves, the flaws and insecurities are just as important to recognize and respect. Those are inner battles we must eventually face, if we ever want to welcome ourselves to the wonder of self-love.
With a world of great characteristics stitched together within me, I am also pushing myself to address and figure out the flaws I carry and why my deepest insecurities still trouble me and set me off guard. No matter what your inner battles are, they do need to be confessed and dissected in order for you to understand who you are and further on respect the not so pretty things about yourself. Put it this way, there may two people with the same bad ways, one who’s story I know and understand and the other who has never let me in to see why they are the way they are. I’m more likely to respect and still appreciate the open individual because although they have the same bad ways about them, I at least understand what made them that way, and as the friendship or bond flourished I’m more able to help them overcome that battle thanks to the honesty that opened the door to improvement. It’s hard to help someone if they can’t admit that they need help to begin with, which applies to conflicts with yourself as well. What I’m trying to say is that denial won’t make anything, and I mean ANYTHING disappear. From my experience it only deepens the wound, burying it further into a dark hole only to eventually be drugged out and exposed.
Loving yourself means accepting yourself for who you TRULY are, behind the great impressions you make of yourself and deep into the thoughts that cause you to wonder, questioning what you’re all about. I’ve always told myself that beautiful people are the ones that know they’re worth and have an unguarded and patient respect for the most painful pieces of reality they’ve witnessed in life. With that said, the most appreciative things in my life are the things that I have had to battle with and truly earn as my own; self-understanding is one of those things. It’s hard to appreciate the foul components of yourself when you don’t really understand why you are the way you are. Confidence isn’t about believing that you’re perfect or even that you have less flaws than the next man or woman, it’s about knowing the strengths you possess and how to not abuse them, as well as recognizing your areas of improvement with belief that you can do better; this means doing so without putting yourself down and being your own bully.
Facing who you are completely and being honest with the beauties and bruises of complexity you possess is a key to finding self-love. I truly believe that if the world could just understand the concept of loving who they are and not abusing that privilege or in other cases robbing themselves of it, than having enough room in your heart to love someone else wouldn’t be such a constant battle that we run into.

Sips from the Well of Self-Love

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