Tag Archives: intimacy

…Him

As soon as my head hit his chest, the rest of the night was blessed. I showed him every element, and let him get the best. There was legs in legs and chests on breasts. I held him close, his arms gripped me tighter, our bodies were a love nest that couldn’t keep quiet. Whether he dove or swam, he was in to win. Whether we restled or we layed, songs were played either way. In a sound that I’ve never heard, this man’s touch was caressing my tightest nerves, easing all my worries and erasing all the hurt. His love was speaking brave words that relayed as he slurred, every sip and hit got the truth to his thoughts closer to the edge of his lips. And at the end of all resistance, I collapsed, my face fell flat and I rested on the sound of his existence.

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This became a dangerous way to love someone as his voice spoke louder in my mind than my own did, statistically I trusted him on more occasions than I trusted myself and mentally he had the upper hand.

Even as a man, he was so much of what I wanted to be as a woman. He was comfortable in his flaws as he always worked to improve his self-worth, and accordingly secure in his plan for his future. He had a fashion sense as good as mine, and I loved the way we complimented each other as we made public appearances as if a way to profess our love. Together we had a stride that demanded an audience, and we took pride in that. He was brave but took chances without ever risking more than he was willing to lose. He wasn’t only clever; he was among the wisest of men I’ve known, so much that he stood in rank of one of the most influential people in my life. He gained wisdom in every past trial he faced, never walking away without a lesson. Nothing defeated him so far, he always rose above the obstacles and came out stronger than before and always one smile closer to his dreams. He knew how to get ahead in life, and with a skilled way with words and a personality that drove his social skills to a new calling, this man was the downfall of so many competitors that crossed his path.  He truly didn’t worry for longer than he should. He placed the concerns beyond his efforts in God’s care, and I admired that part of his character. All of these elements were the pieces of him that I loved, and the best of what I took with me when I left. He grew within me leaving these beneficial traces that would be another guiding light, and I will forever have a loving respect for a piece of my past for that reason.

He was none the less human though, and while he had characteristics that I loved, those beautiful pieces were only half of who he was. We had very different views on the value of love versus success. This man was nine years my senior and 75% of what shaped me since I began this journey of woman hood. My mother whispered to me, “Be careful my love, that man has a charm that could convince and kill.” In the end, my mother’s intuition was right on point, this man had a weapon of magnetism like no other. The gifts of his love were his influence of passion and thrive, but that love came with a curse of questioning my own beliefs of how I should run my life; what will keep me warm at night, love or success? Am I willing to compromise that in order to have him forever? I believed his mind and trusted his guidance. His influence was more powerful than my own. This became a dangerous way to love someone as his voice spoke louder in my mind than my own did, statistically I trusted him on more occasions than I trusted myself and mentally he had the upper hand. This was the first man I ever loved. Clearly love didn’t have to last to satisfy him, it only has to exist, to make a mark, and that was enough for him. Even as a very grown man, marriage was a nice thought in his mind but it wasn’t a piece of his life that he needed. The thoughts of success and wealth somehow kept him warmer at night than a woman’s touch.

We had a seven year long run, full of friendship, betrayal, compromise, plans, and lots and lots of sexual desires. Somehow our intimacy made his impact on me run deep. His carnal knowledge was quite detailed, he learned a lot through his years of relationships with women, and for seven years I slurped every bit of that sex education up. They didn’t teach this shit in grade school, he offered the unrated and uncut version of the truth. He was an expert on pleasing a woman and even a great professor on how a woman could take a man to the edge of ecstasy. I learned every ounce of freakiness from him, sometimes I even wondered what I’d be like if he had never explored the depths of me and turned me out, sexually and mentally. He sexed so good he made a quickie feel like love making, even when I knew his mind was somewhere else, his body told a different story, a much more beautiful lie. The more our bodies were shared, the more our minds began to challenge their similarity. I began to read him better than I had in the past years. I wasn’t sure if I agreed with his values but I was slowly becoming okay with someone very opposite of who I was at heart. Somehow in the heat of sex, I began to introduce him to my additional ways of thinking and he began to warp my mind as well.

Intimacy has a way of taking things to a deeper level, the more involved you become, the more you care, the more you wonder, and the deeper you truly fall. Sex on this level has a magical way of changing a person’s mind, even giving them hope and convincing them to stay a little longer; perhaps they can take me even deeper into this black magic we call love; we were both so guilty of that mindset. Eventually we came to know that we were caught up into something we had lost mental and emotional control over. Friendship, future plans and everything else that had held the relationship up on a pedestal had drifted and all that was left was an ever winding emotional whirlwind of intimacy. Even when it was all that we had left, just a taste of it was still enough to keep us going. It was our drug that we were proud to overindulge in, and deep down we knew it kept us together even when common sense said we should be apart.

You can fall into someone else’s soul without ever knowing it, that sexual, mental and physical bond is strong and can overpower your own mind. Once you reach a certain level of intimacy, I don’t believe it’s just sex, at this point in the game, who you let in determines what is done within you. Will they damage your mind or deliver your spirit? Perhaps they have potential to do both. Are you there for the same reasons they are or are the two motives facing different directions? It’s not only your body that you’re allowing them to enter; intimacy involves the mind, spirit, and heart. What if one day you became just like them, would you be proud to mirror this person?  It’s imperative that an individual takes note of the honest answer to that question.

Intimacy is not only a lovey dovey affair; it leaves deep roots from each person involved. Intimacy drives a connection that’s mentally penetrating and transcendent; it takes you to a state of mind far beyond the words I’m speaking. You touch each other physically while moving inside of each other in every additional essence. You become a piece of the other person, you each leave traces that you’ve been there; at this level of intimacy, you will remember what they were like to the T; even the thoughts that emerged with the strokes will be taken note of. The door of influence creeks open in the midst of desire and two souls intertwine. Intimacy is beautiful, deep and the climax of so many people’s pleasure points, it’s a powerful sharing experience, therefore be aware and particular on whom you share these experiences with. Be knowledgeable on who you are opening yourself up to and the mindset they carry because regardless of whether or not you notice it, intimacy has a way of causing a person’s impact on you to be quite profound.

Intimacy: The Mirror Affect

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Intimacy Beyond Oxytocin

Oxytocin is a brain chemical that is released commonly in romantic bonds; it’s also known to be the cause of the emotional bond between mother and child after birth. Many people believe that this is chemically how being in love can effect ones mental state of mind, and I’ve come to agree that intimacy can drive deep emotions that go on to connect to the brain and eventually effect a person  inside and out.

However what about the other affects that intimacy has on the individuals involved? What about the effects that go deeper than the lovey dovey doses of Oxytocin? I’m talking about emotions and mental concerns that go much deeper than the surface of those butterflies…

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