Tag Archives: life

The Blessing Beneath the Dress

He’s my storm, somehow a beautiful one. Though it began too good to be true, and we were caught up in a love bloom, Now some days it’s blue and absolute destruction …but up to this moment, it’s the climax of who I’ve become. My life changed entirely, my hopes have shifted to a whole other side of me.  And all my hopes and dreams have raised to a pedal stool way higher than they were before. Determination intensifies and I carry the fire in my eyes, damning any voice inside that whispers fatal lies. Every now and then the fear starts to rise making me wonder if I desire too much compared to what reality will match for my life. I was on the right track every dream was in tact so I can’t help but to feel a bit set back. So every night I pray for the strength to keep my head held high and look far past any doubt in the sky. Inside of me a miracle is patiently waiting to arrive and I vow to give my life for the purpose of protecting and guiding this new light. A tear drops at the thought of harm coming your way. But I know I can’t hold you so tight that I push you to go astray. I’ve loved you from the very first day and even before it was confirmed I knew something inside of me had changed. I would give anything to hold you right now, just to look into your eyes and know that you’re alright. I wonder what you’ll look like and I try to guess your sound, I’m so anxious for the day that I can bring my self manifested angel baby home and lay her down. Your father loves you more than he can come to express and his high hopes are focused on a babyboy growing beneath this dress. I love that man to a new extent, I’ve been experiencing a love that I can’t quite express. I pray we make it through the stress and with a happy family you’ll be blessed. Babydoll its only 4 months in but just know from now until forever, mommy and daddy will give their life for you and with everyday we give our absolute best. I’ll love you whole heartedly and with any ounce of my soul that’s left. You’re my sweet escape and beloved angel, I’ll wait patiently for the day I can hear your first breath. From now until forever, this woman, your mother, will be eternally blessed.

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Some things don’t have a time, many circumstances are born a challenge, they aren’t meant to be easy and that’s the nature of their purpose.

How often do you find yourself avoiding a task or obstacle due to absolute hesitance, whether it is out of fear of something worse or lack of preparation for something better? Do you ever wonder if it’s you, yourself that’s standing in the way of a blessing, simply because you’re not sure if you’re ready for the next chapter in your life?

We’ve all been there, whether it’s an awkward conversation we’re avoiding, a career advancement that we don’t feel equipped for, or maybe it’s simply resolving a situation in which you’re not sure how you want it to conclude. I believe in these stubborn situations, it’s not now or never, but rather now or forever. Do you want to face it head on today and lay to rest a matter that has been eating at you for quite some time now? Or sweep it under the rug once again and allow that situation to resurface itself in your future? (This process has a funny way of repeating rapidly carrying a situation with you constantly in the slickest way). Don’t stay trapped in an obstacle or phase in your life. Don’t become fixated to your troubles while expecting yourself to move forward in every other area thinking that situation will just fix itself. Time doesn’t pause or wait for you due to what you’re going through. Life will keep moving along regardless of whether or not you’re ready for it, the question at stake is how much catching up will you have to do by the time you overcome the very thing you’re avoiding?  If you wait until you’re ready, you’ll be waiting for the rest of your life. Some things don’t have a time, many circumstances are born a challenge, they aren’t meant to be easy and that’s the nature of their purpose. Some of these situations you’ll have to face head on and with bravery and courage, regardless of when you decide to do it. The difficulty of the matter won’t cease, and many times that’s what we wait upon. Us humans are so peculiar in the sense that we clearly agree to understand that we don’t live in a magical Disney World of a paradise yet with so many situations we wait patiently or rather avoid intently expecting a breeze of wonder to sweep in and do the hard work for us.

Now, I will be the first to stand up and agree that God has a grasping and marvelous way of saving us when we need it the most, but I think too often we confuse that blessing with a notion of expecting a superhero so much that we avoid some of our greatest potential lessons, which are often best learned first-hand.  The truth to this is that we know what we’re doing, or rather NOT doing; we’re not senseless enough to really forget this huge matter that’s being carried with us, silently scratching at the back of our thoughts. To this day, this idea of facing fears and silencing hesitations has never failed me. It’s one of the few circumstances in which I’ve always came out on top and I always felt up lifted and relieved. When it was all said and done and I owned up to whatever it was I was resisting and avoiding, I always realized that I walked away with a lesson greater than I expected and I can still remember each and every time I’ve stood up facing my fears and silencing the doubts so that I could move forward. Looking back, I really don’t think I would be where I am today, in the mental, physical and emotional sense if I hadn’t challenged those hesitations and did what I had to do for myself, for the sake of moving forward and advancing myself for the better. So do what you have to do, own up to whatever it is and do so knowing that you are taking one more step towards living your life to its greatest potential. Be brave, confident and secure in what you know and desire. Know what you want out of life and be ready to face the obstacles that will stand in your way even if it requires you to step out of your comfort zones. It’s worth it.

The Avoided Lesson

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“Facing who you are completely and being honest with the beauties and bruises of complexity you possess is a key to finding self-love.”

Three years ago I was a self-professed expert on love and relationships. With much of the internal battle from both parties unseen, I believed and truly comprehended that my relationship was at a grand peak and I had much experience to declare myself as worthy of addressing just about any subject regarding love. Now, twelve well documented yet short lived seasons later, I’m coming to the understanding that even with a great deal of experience and awkward situations under my belt, I have still fallen short of knowing the greatest depths of love, partially because I hadn’t reached deep enough within myself to discover the love that is rooted beneath the woman I am to the world. I truly believe that half of the love you give someone is the love that you have for yourself.  That can be a good or bad thing depending on your self- love. We’ve heard a particular saying endless times, and I’m sure I’ll continue to hear it bringing a sharp reminder of who I am and who I have yet to be. They say, “You must love yourself before you can love someone else.” As positive and true as that quote is, without a sense of direction on where to go from there, it can leave someone still craving more of the truth that waits patiently to be heard. With all appreciation to the person that put that notion into a worldwide declaration of self-righteousness, I’ve never had the honesty with myself to say to someone else, “Thanks for being seemingly perfect but I’ll pass on your offer of being everything I might need in a man, because I simply need to love myself more before I can love you.” I still have yet to utter that verse.
In a perfect world, perhaps I would take that chance and send a man on his way, explaining in the perfect words that there’s so much more that I must know and appreciate about myself before I should embark on the journey of sharing who I am with someone who wants all of me. From experience I can say that it is an exhausting task to love someone in ways in which they don’t even love themselves, and to give someone a love that they repeatedly insist to society that they are unworthy of.  So yes, self-love is proven to be a key component to healthy relationships.
Since I began the journey of unvieling true self-love, I’ve found that establishing a good relationship with myself is much more complex than doing so with someone else. In fact, now that my upmost honesty has presented itself, I can admit that there’s a lot that I don’t know and apprehend about who I am. In the past I have tried to give people all of me, without truly knowing what all that entailed. I always said I love who I am but when I ask myself why, I’m paused at what all I’m made of and why I love those things. But the journey of unfolding my colors and laying them out to piece together is becoming easier and something I can do on a regular basis and in a respectful manner.
So I’ll attempt to share with you how I am learning to grasp the warm comfort of self-love. First I think we all need to be aware of where we stand on the matter. Do you feel that you have too low of a self-esteem and perhaps you lack self-love? Or do you think that you may be a bit too confident and be pushing close to the border of arrogance? Perhaps you battle with a bit of both.  Either way self-love is an understanding that can shine a light on who you are, delivering you from so many unseen and unspoken battles that dwell within.
I’m a smart girl who is learning when to let wisdom speak through me as well as when to stop foolishness from escaping my thoughts and shattering into an open conversation. I also have a keen way of separating the people that I appreciate to the point of needing in life apart from the people that I simple WANT to be in my life.  I’ve come to abundantly respect and necessarily dismiss so many people with these understandings. I also have a nurturing heart that will always thrive to care and comfort others. That has always been a major part of who I am, and even when I attempt to bury that giving girl in hopes of protecting my ego, she whispers sweet nothing’s of kindness and honesty beneath my core letting me she’ll always be WHO I REALLY AM rather than someone I will outgrow. In fact if I ever truly did dismiss my caring heart and replace it with a girl that didn’t give two shits about someone else’s feelings, I would be living a lie and living as someone that I’m not. I think everybody has that alter ego to them, pieces of who they are that they try to do away with in hopes that they won’t get hurt by someone else or even bring shame to themselves. Maybe they feel those pieces make them a weaker individual, or perhaps they’ve given that character too much airplay in the past and they ended up getting screwed over. Either way I think we all tend to bury pieces of our psyche in hopes to escape a deeper war weighing within. I’m coming to believe that the very voices we push away are sometimes the ones we need to hear the most. How many times have you ignored Gods’ advice, assuring yourself that you’ve got this one covered? How often do you catch yourself denying something about yourself, in fear of the person you may have to face next time you take a quick glance at the mirror? Think about it, and open yourself up to your new found zone of honesty.
If I were asked to list my strengths, would my tone and confidence drop when listing my weaknesses? I ask myself, would I want to curl up and disappear if someone questioned me about my most honest and shameful insecurities? Eventually I hope to carry the same confidence and belief in who I can be regarding my flaws and imperfections as I do with the things I know I’m great at. I’ve been blessed to witness confident people who are well aware of their flaws, and can even address their insecurities with a confident understanding and respect for themselves. That’s beautiful to me! That’s the vision of happiness within myself that I will continue to strive for. But let me be clear, I don’t think self-love is something someone can succeed at, rather I think it should me a never ending ladder for one to climb rather than a goal to be obtained; only because we’re constantly learning about ourselves and hopefully growing into more beautifully flourished  souls. However, with that said, when I do imagine success that self-love and genuine happiness that I will carry is most definitely in the picture.With all the great characteristics we can name off about ourselves, the flaws and insecurities are just as important to recognize and respect. Those are inner battles we must eventually face, if we ever want to welcome ourselves to the wonder of self-love.
With a world of great characteristics stitched together within me, I am also pushing myself to address and figure out the flaws I carry and why my deepest insecurities still trouble me and set me off guard. No matter what your inner battles are, they do need to be confessed and dissected in order for you to understand who you are and further on respect the not so pretty things about yourself. Put it this way, there may two people with the same bad ways, one who’s story I know and understand and the other who has never let me in to see why they are the way they are. I’m more likely to respect and still appreciate the open individual because although they have the same bad ways about them, I at least understand what made them that way, and as the friendship or bond flourished I’m more able to help them overcome that battle thanks to the honesty that opened the door to improvement. It’s hard to help someone if they can’t admit that they need help to begin with, which applies to conflicts with yourself as well. What I’m trying to say is that denial won’t make anything, and I mean ANYTHING disappear. From my experience it only deepens the wound, burying it further into a dark hole only to eventually be drugged out and exposed.
Loving yourself means accepting yourself for who you TRULY are, behind the great impressions you make of yourself and deep into the thoughts that cause you to wonder, questioning what you’re all about. I’ve always told myself that beautiful people are the ones that know they’re worth and have an unguarded and patient respect for the most painful pieces of reality they’ve witnessed in life. With that said, the most appreciative things in my life are the things that I have had to battle with and truly earn as my own; self-understanding is one of those things. It’s hard to appreciate the foul components of yourself when you don’t really understand why you are the way you are. Confidence isn’t about believing that you’re perfect or even that you have less flaws than the next man or woman, it’s about knowing the strengths you possess and how to not abuse them, as well as recognizing your areas of improvement with belief that you can do better; this means doing so without putting yourself down and being your own bully.
Facing who you are completely and being honest with the beauties and bruises of complexity you possess is a key to finding self-love. I truly believe that if the world could just understand the concept of loving who they are and not abusing that privilege or in other cases robbing themselves of it, than having enough room in your heart to love someone else wouldn’t be such a constant battle that we run into.

Sips from the Well of Self-Love

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The Darkest Corner

When life backs you into certain corners of life, the first instinct is to escape, if that doesn’t seem possible we attempt to numb the pain and cope on our own terms. We do what we must to forget about it, even if for just a moment in time, we forget about the reality that’s facing us. We don’t cry out for help because from our view, security is too far gone, the damage has been done. The lesson is being learned and the scars are being inflicted. For a moment we accept that and take the pain head on truly believing that we’re in it alone.  Due to that we spend years healing the wounds that began the journey, the struggle, and even sometimes the very battle that defines us most. 

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