Tag Archives: strength

I wrote this for a beloved friend of mine, her situation taught me just as much as my own did. I struggled with whether or not I should share such a private and personal letter but I just think a lot of other lovers share the same emotions, so please, learn from her heart’s story.

There have been times when she didn’t know her own strength, and at times she couldn’t even see the limits she placed on herself. There were days when she woke up confident, knowing that her smile would genuinely last. In those very days, she had her ultimate breakdowns and truly came face to face with her hearts reality. She was frail for love, for the past, especially weak for a feeling that was gone but the memory alone had her bound into hope. She knew she had it in her to leave a love that she wanted so bad to keep, but she loved him and the though t of him too much to do it.

She needed strength beyond herself; she needed God to drag the true strength of a woman out of her, because she alone didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay and let love run its course,but she was getting restless with playing forever the fool. Even in the midst of every lie, at the end of the day she wanted to try to make it work. She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she wasn’t supposed to stay in that relationship, she knew an ending was approaching. It’s still a mystery and divine wonder how she knew it, but she simply felt it; growing inside of her like a cancer poisoning her high hopes with depressing truths of the reality she lived in. Above all the other emotions and mixed desires, she was becoming well aware of her worth.

When that day of courage and will came, she ran with it and left the love that built her, a love that shaped her in good ways and bad, most of all it was a love that gave her hope. She knew that she was trapped in a plea, a craving for more than the love he would give, but held by a promise from him, for better. She believed that a love like that could endure and last. There came time when that love, that passion and friendship was no longer good for her, somehow something cruel had crept in and remained  lying in between them, slowly putting them in a battle against each other. He broke her heart and even in the days that she stayed the love was being slowly ruined, like a rotting fruit that once would taste so sweet, the effect couldn’t be undone.  There came a turning point in which all that built her began to break her down, and she watched herself sink lower and lower into a weakness for love, but even in those moments she knew she would eventually see the day of letting go.  It was love, but not a love worth standing by, she was alone in love and eventually she was the only one fighting for it. That’s when it was enough. They began having repeated nights of silence and empty conversations. She needed him to beg her to stay; she needed him to change her mind, and even if it was fooling her, she needed that; she wanted him to give her a reason so she wouldn’t have to walk away and end a relationship that she bet her heart on. When the silence sunk in and she found herself empty of all the things she needed so badly, she knew it was over.

Although she stayed physically, she knew deep inside that emotionally he was drifting; she was lost in awe of how they reached the point of love to where her love was no longer enough to keep this man at home and in her arms. He was doing what he wanted regardless of how good he had it at home. She grew and she learned that unless she stood up, change wasn’t coming, and no matter how bad it got, he would stay in the relationship; she couldn’t depend on him to walk away. He wasn’t loving in the way he should, and she was loving in ways she shouldn’t, even to a man who meant the world to her, and she claimed as her hero, even to him she was giving too much giving pieces that were undeserved. She went through phases unheard of, ones that an untarnished heart couldn’t imagine. She took steps forth, just be drug back to phase one, but even with that, time began to heal her, and with every day, even in her rivers of tears, she became stronger and she grew inspired and determined to love herself above love, itself.

The Essence of a Broken Heart

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Her Single Declaration

I’m a lover at heart, and I always will be. I’ll always know that being in a strong loving relationship truly keeps me warm at night. With that said, I keep thinking of this single life as a part time job I’ll have to work in order to get me to where I want to be. But maybe it’s something I must own, a situation I need to live through and complete before I’ll ever be ready to believe in love with such a giving heart as I once did. I don’t want to rush into emotions thinking I got lucky when truthfully I’m embracing something that is helping me to avoid the dreadful period of ‘no significant other’. I’ve always been in relationships, but suddenly I’ve been taken by a storm that caused me to require an emotional separation from love in that sense.

I gave everything that a woman could possibly give of herself and when you do that and it still doesn’t measure up to forever, it has a way of fucking shit up in your heart and hopes, and in your mind as well. You start to questions things, people, and intentions; everything becomes suspect to possibly bringing you pain again. When you believe in something or someone so much and then reality hits that your fairytale was just as distorted and downhill as the next persons, you start to see that sometimes even the best love story’s have their endings.  What the hell happened to the love I used to brag about? I took so much pride in that relationship truly thinking it was better than anyone else’s.  You look back and see the definition of what you called love. You start to remember the gut feelings that haunted you, but even more you recall sweeping them aside with high hopes and wishful thinking.

Let’s face it, we can all fall victim to heartbreak, we put our trust and understanding in the hands of another imperfect human. Half the time we’re unaware of what their internal battles are therefore often times there’s a lot that we don’t see ourselves getting into. But that’s life and you need love to live a full one. Rest assured that eventually you’ll heal and  you’ll take that risk again one day because you’d rather put your heart on the edge knowing the cost you could pay because love is worth that sacred chance. That’s harder to imagine than it is to say, but I truly believe that one day I and every other single man or woman I know will feel that way. For every heart that’s born, there’s another heart for it to live happily and confidently with. That’s something beautiful to look towards, and you know it’s out there, even when the depressed broken heart tells you otherwise.

For now, you must do the necessary and carry on. Carry yourself to the brightest future you can imagine, be successful and light the path to the destiny you’ve always dreamed of. Take this chance to paint your future out just how you want it without the concern of fitting someone else’s lifestyle as well. BE SINGLE AND OWN IT TO THE FULLEST. Love will make its way back around when the time is undeniably right, and the heart has drastically healed. You’ll be a better person by that time, and you’ll have a lot more love to give. For now, be your own special someone, and be true to yourself. Above everything, follow your heart, trust your voice and go forth with your life knowing that God is working it all out for you. You no longer have to look for Mr. or Ms. Right, just embrace people for who they are and enjoy them without looking for a lasting love in their eyes. Focus on your bright future, let your heart be the driving force inside of you and do it for the first time like you’ve never done it before. Be bold and claim the passions you have for life outside of romance. Believe it or not there’s more that drives you than just the heart of a hopeless romantic with a head full of fairytales. There’s more that you have to offer this world, more that you have to offer yourself, so do your soul searching and find that other beautiful person you’ve forgotten about for so long now, DO YOU!

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“Facing who you are completely and being honest with the beauties and bruises of complexity you possess is a key to finding self-love.”

Three years ago I was a self-professed expert on love and relationships. With much of the internal battle from both parties unseen, I believed and truly comprehended that my relationship was at a grand peak and I had much experience to declare myself as worthy of addressing just about any subject regarding love. Now, twelve well documented yet short lived seasons later, I’m coming to the understanding that even with a great deal of experience and awkward situations under my belt, I have still fallen short of knowing the greatest depths of love, partially because I hadn’t reached deep enough within myself to discover the love that is rooted beneath the woman I am to the world. I truly believe that half of the love you give someone is the love that you have for yourself.  That can be a good or bad thing depending on your self- love. We’ve heard a particular saying endless times, and I’m sure I’ll continue to hear it bringing a sharp reminder of who I am and who I have yet to be. They say, “You must love yourself before you can love someone else.” As positive and true as that quote is, without a sense of direction on where to go from there, it can leave someone still craving more of the truth that waits patiently to be heard. With all appreciation to the person that put that notion into a worldwide declaration of self-righteousness, I’ve never had the honesty with myself to say to someone else, “Thanks for being seemingly perfect but I’ll pass on your offer of being everything I might need in a man, because I simply need to love myself more before I can love you.” I still have yet to utter that verse.
In a perfect world, perhaps I would take that chance and send a man on his way, explaining in the perfect words that there’s so much more that I must know and appreciate about myself before I should embark on the journey of sharing who I am with someone who wants all of me. From experience I can say that it is an exhausting task to love someone in ways in which they don’t even love themselves, and to give someone a love that they repeatedly insist to society that they are unworthy of.  So yes, self-love is proven to be a key component to healthy relationships.
Since I began the journey of unvieling true self-love, I’ve found that establishing a good relationship with myself is much more complex than doing so with someone else. In fact, now that my upmost honesty has presented itself, I can admit that there’s a lot that I don’t know and apprehend about who I am. In the past I have tried to give people all of me, without truly knowing what all that entailed. I always said I love who I am but when I ask myself why, I’m paused at what all I’m made of and why I love those things. But the journey of unfolding my colors and laying them out to piece together is becoming easier and something I can do on a regular basis and in a respectful manner.
So I’ll attempt to share with you how I am learning to grasp the warm comfort of self-love. First I think we all need to be aware of where we stand on the matter. Do you feel that you have too low of a self-esteem and perhaps you lack self-love? Or do you think that you may be a bit too confident and be pushing close to the border of arrogance? Perhaps you battle with a bit of both.  Either way self-love is an understanding that can shine a light on who you are, delivering you from so many unseen and unspoken battles that dwell within.
I’m a smart girl who is learning when to let wisdom speak through me as well as when to stop foolishness from escaping my thoughts and shattering into an open conversation. I also have a keen way of separating the people that I appreciate to the point of needing in life apart from the people that I simple WANT to be in my life.  I’ve come to abundantly respect and necessarily dismiss so many people with these understandings. I also have a nurturing heart that will always thrive to care and comfort others. That has always been a major part of who I am, and even when I attempt to bury that giving girl in hopes of protecting my ego, she whispers sweet nothing’s of kindness and honesty beneath my core letting me she’ll always be WHO I REALLY AM rather than someone I will outgrow. In fact if I ever truly did dismiss my caring heart and replace it with a girl that didn’t give two shits about someone else’s feelings, I would be living a lie and living as someone that I’m not. I think everybody has that alter ego to them, pieces of who they are that they try to do away with in hopes that they won’t get hurt by someone else or even bring shame to themselves. Maybe they feel those pieces make them a weaker individual, or perhaps they’ve given that character too much airplay in the past and they ended up getting screwed over. Either way I think we all tend to bury pieces of our psyche in hopes to escape a deeper war weighing within. I’m coming to believe that the very voices we push away are sometimes the ones we need to hear the most. How many times have you ignored Gods’ advice, assuring yourself that you’ve got this one covered? How often do you catch yourself denying something about yourself, in fear of the person you may have to face next time you take a quick glance at the mirror? Think about it, and open yourself up to your new found zone of honesty.
If I were asked to list my strengths, would my tone and confidence drop when listing my weaknesses? I ask myself, would I want to curl up and disappear if someone questioned me about my most honest and shameful insecurities? Eventually I hope to carry the same confidence and belief in who I can be regarding my flaws and imperfections as I do with the things I know I’m great at. I’ve been blessed to witness confident people who are well aware of their flaws, and can even address their insecurities with a confident understanding and respect for themselves. That’s beautiful to me! That’s the vision of happiness within myself that I will continue to strive for. But let me be clear, I don’t think self-love is something someone can succeed at, rather I think it should me a never ending ladder for one to climb rather than a goal to be obtained; only because we’re constantly learning about ourselves and hopefully growing into more beautifully flourished  souls. However, with that said, when I do imagine success that self-love and genuine happiness that I will carry is most definitely in the picture.With all the great characteristics we can name off about ourselves, the flaws and insecurities are just as important to recognize and respect. Those are inner battles we must eventually face, if we ever want to welcome ourselves to the wonder of self-love.
With a world of great characteristics stitched together within me, I am also pushing myself to address and figure out the flaws I carry and why my deepest insecurities still trouble me and set me off guard. No matter what your inner battles are, they do need to be confessed and dissected in order for you to understand who you are and further on respect the not so pretty things about yourself. Put it this way, there may two people with the same bad ways, one who’s story I know and understand and the other who has never let me in to see why they are the way they are. I’m more likely to respect and still appreciate the open individual because although they have the same bad ways about them, I at least understand what made them that way, and as the friendship or bond flourished I’m more able to help them overcome that battle thanks to the honesty that opened the door to improvement. It’s hard to help someone if they can’t admit that they need help to begin with, which applies to conflicts with yourself as well. What I’m trying to say is that denial won’t make anything, and I mean ANYTHING disappear. From my experience it only deepens the wound, burying it further into a dark hole only to eventually be drugged out and exposed.
Loving yourself means accepting yourself for who you TRULY are, behind the great impressions you make of yourself and deep into the thoughts that cause you to wonder, questioning what you’re all about. I’ve always told myself that beautiful people are the ones that know they’re worth and have an unguarded and patient respect for the most painful pieces of reality they’ve witnessed in life. With that said, the most appreciative things in my life are the things that I have had to battle with and truly earn as my own; self-understanding is one of those things. It’s hard to appreciate the foul components of yourself when you don’t really understand why you are the way you are. Confidence isn’t about believing that you’re perfect or even that you have less flaws than the next man or woman, it’s about knowing the strengths you possess and how to not abuse them, as well as recognizing your areas of improvement with belief that you can do better; this means doing so without putting yourself down and being your own bully.
Facing who you are completely and being honest with the beauties and bruises of complexity you possess is a key to finding self-love. I truly believe that if the world could just understand the concept of loving who they are and not abusing that privilege or in other cases robbing themselves of it, than having enough room in your heart to love someone else wouldn’t be such a constant battle that we run into.

Sips from the Well of Self-Love

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Although she is nothing like you or I or even the next girl, her story could very well feature the same villains…that woman may be the invisible beauty that fights these battles too.

I believe on average one out of every five women will go through hell and back by the age of twenty seven without a hint of notification to closest people surrounding her. I’ve been blessed to have intellectual encounters with a wide variety of women. Some have been lovers, some have had a hate for love, some were teachers others could never be taught, every one of them have been so different from the next. Unfortunately the only single line they all walked on was that of abuse. They have all battled with respect from men physical and mental, emotional as well as sexual abuse. These encounters came from the hands of boyfriends, coworkers, professionals, fathers, strangers, even family friends. These women have been mocked, slammed, punched, left to die, and punished for their dignity.

Some women choose to go about their relations only involving themselves when they are the dominant ones in the relationship, only because the last time she let a man be in control, she ended up with a fist in her face and caught up with the man she swore she knew well enough. Some of these women have been raped until the scars can’t be disguised, beaten bad enough to convince themselves life is better off if they cover it up and never tell a soul. People have the nerve to wonder why so many women are bougie, why they seem to constantly turn their nose up at men, some even turn their nose up at other women due to the involvement they’ve seen women play in abuse on other women. Many men are clueless to this, they have no idea that the attitude has less to do with material things and more to do with protection, this is one of many ways that women try to shield themselves from dangerous characters they’ve met in the past. I’ve heard women say they feel life would be easier if they took on the role as a hoe, one woman in particular has told me, ” I hear these bastards won’t even fight you if you don’t put up one.” That same middle aged woman went on to say, “I’ll swallow my pride and give it up if it spares me getting my ass whooped.” If you saw this captivating woman, you would never imagine that those were her true thoughts.

So many women fear that lustful gaze of men, only because she’s seen that gaze before. She recalls the black deep alleys that the source of that gaze pushed her into, she recalls quickly jetting back to a pathway that had vanished so quickly, only to be twisted back around into the controlling grasp of a predator. Most of all she remembers that the screams were never heard, she remembers realizing that protection from the crime at that point was out of the question. These women are never fully able to forget the feeling of numbness, and as darkness faded and she laid lifeless seeing the skies shut down before her, this is when she realized that regardless of age, her youthful, innocent spirit will never again breathe the breaths of simplicity, and know that carefree soul as she once did, once a life is corrupted by crime it’s never truly the same.

Now her life is walked on guard, constantly. She doesn’t leave her home without protection, even inside of her home, she now laces it with weapons, ready to be brought out of the dark because she feels, “How else am I going to be guaranteed security?”—these women live under a vow to NEVER go again without protection.

Essence recently published an article discussing the current case of Nafissatou Diallo, whom has come to the public with rape allegations against the high profile Dominique Strauss-Kahn (former Head of International Monetary Fund). Essence went on to release a statistic that came from current studies saying that one in every four black women will be raped in her lifetime, and 7% of black women will report the crime, the average in other races came to 42% of sexual assaults reported. Im not sure why as a society of women we don’t confide in anyone about these encounters. Some women used to and eventually gave it up, some still do. Many women come to feel, at least for herself, that no one on this earth is promised to protect her, it’s her own battle. After a while some women feel that they’ve fought the battles too hard, and fought to gain her dignity back too hard to be humiliated by reaping sympathy from crying out a tragedy to someone. In circumstances like these, for this woman, sympathy can viewed as a pathetic and weak emotion, which in understanding does nothing for a woman who has walked these retched roads.

So you really want to make a difference to a woman who has told you of the disrespect she gets from men? (don’t be foolish enough to assume that the disrespect is all she knows, majority of the time, that’s all she feels comfortable with exposing.) As you are together, wherever it may be, PROTECT her, be attentive of her surroundings, of course without being controlling, GUARD her with your presence. Give her at least the insight that a hero beyond herself may possibly exist. So yes, I agree women are sometimes guarded, bougie, and highly emotional creatures, as anyone who has walked these roads would be. It’s this woman still having herself at the end of every day that gives her the pride and will to exhale and truly love and embrace herself completely. After being dragged through hell, and occasionally passing by it’s alleys on earth, these women begin to respect themselves for the battles they’ve fought, admire and appreciate every other woman as well regardless of race, religion, size, sexual orientation ect. knowing that although she is nothing like you or I or even the next girl, her story could very well feature the same villains…that woman may be the invisible beauty that fights these battles too.

Woman’s War

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The Essence of Her Strength

After every trial we face the facts, like everybody you love aint gonna stick around. And even the ones you let in may find themselves stepping out. We’re all human, different mistakes all end in the same apologies. Fellas say ‘Baby I’m sorry’, and females sit back and say ‘Nigga Please’. Some women never really pack their bags, other’s will leave him and never look back. Other situations leave everybody but her in doubt; because eventually the time comes in which if only one heart’s in it then she’ll take herself out. Even if there are no answers in response, following her heart is what she’s all about. Even if it hurts the one she loves, she does what’s best for her because deep down she puts herself first. We get our feelings hurt, swallow our pride then listen to the woman inside. She says, “Girl keep ya head up, don’t let a man take your joy or even steal your voice.” So we get back up and try it all again, sometimes without even paying him back for all the shit that he did. We forgive others because we’ll need somebody to forgive us in the end. We keep a smile, because opposites attract and we don’t want a broken hearted girl to shine through the cracks. That is until we crash, one wrong turn can just set us off track, put us right back to a place in time that never got patched. But that’s a woman, we move on even though there comes days when we cry about what didn’t last. We got our stories and we got our past, but we move ahead as if to that we’re not attached. Good or bad, happy or sad, we do it all until the end so we can say we gave all we had. She can fall flat on her face, without it being a fall from grace; dust off the tears, learn the lesson and stand tall with no shame. And still, she’ll give all she can, and just when you think she’s been defeated, she’ll do it all again.

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No one can diminish you if you stay true to the roots of who you are.

No man or woman can destroy the pieces of you that have carried you this far, to the very place and mindset that has you reaching for something better.  With  all of the burdens we withstand and the troubling encounters we have that leave us feeling broken, the elements of who we are remains. These are the treasures that God places inside of us. No tribulation, no outcome, no heartache, no failure, friend, no enemy, no man, no woman, no ONE can steal this, it’s forever yours, forever the strength you’ve always had. No man or woman can steal your voice, so don’t allow another person’s doubt or conception of you silence the belief that you have in yourself and the things you want to achieve. There is a beauty inside of us all, for some this has yet to be discovered. Find your elements and the values that make you proud of who you are and where you are going and never stop referring back to that small voice that whispers your hearts deepest desires. These keys remind us of what we call home, our deepest desires that have yet to come to light, who we cherish and exactly what we are put in this Earth to do. We’re all equipped with an inner beauty and voice, don’t burry that in your troubles, allow yourself the freedom and choice to move ahead of where you are and become the best vision of yourself. I truly believe that more than obstacles, a weak and vague mindset will keep you bound underneath your potential. If you can overcome those doubts and fears, than there are no limits to what you can do and just how great you can become. You can prevail past your uncertaninties and downfalls, that is if you believe in yourself and allow faith to carry you through. If your heart reaches an epiphany, allow that to liberate you and guide you to the next big step in your journey. Never give up and never stop remembering the strength that’s always carried you through.

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