–Breathe, Skin Deep*

Today’s the day I’ll finally say, I’m doing way more than great.

I’m pretty some days, other days I’m sexier, the waist looks thinner.  I’m a thick woman, still so fine. I’m happy to be mine. I adore a reflection everytime I pass by; and for so long, I’ve been waiting for that prime time. For years I lost me, back when you became mine. They watched my essence start fading everytime you came by. But after years of being held down, I broke free and took back my crown. We been apart for some time; you always thought I was yours, but I knew that you weren’t mine. Now that time has come, my time is titled divine; ‘Best believe Mama B’s gonna shine.

It took a bit of faith, it took a shit load of struggle; you can say I hustled through the bullshit and found my way. I prayed with every step, thank God today’s not just another day. For months I’ve been riding on a cloud, feeling so proud. I finally found my way; tomorrow’s looking more than great. All those hazy days cleared their greys, now I’m straight, it’s time to buckle down and be all I gotta be to pave the way.

I got three strong beauties just looking at me, waiting for the next step so they can hop on my beat; they wait for Mama’s go just to move their feet. And I’m proud to be, so proud to be the one that their following, I’m proud to be leading the way.

I guess when you met me, you thought I was just another chick around the way, thought I wouldn’t have too much to say. Three months in, you said, “Just sit back and look pretty.” So offended, I wanted to bust your face, but instead I just sat back with grace, and stayed content with my feelings. But my heart speaks way more than I led on, a soft voice but I speak strong; don’t get it wrong, she’s a woman that’s unique, tricky and convincing like her physique. A beauty much more than skin deep, a soul that captures and sucks in  whatever you speak, but you spoke some dirty thangs to me. Now I gotta filter all the debris, shake off all the dusty things.

What watch you say to me, reflections reply when you seek whats inside of me, and I won’t lie when speaking of what you left with me. Bad memories, too much drama, too much violence, you were crazy. And I’m supposed to sugar-coat the shady things? Nah, I’ma speak on everything. I’d probably let it fly, if it were just me, but you affected my babies, my fancy jewels, my shiny things. And this is the time when a mother speaks, so sit back and just let it bleed. ‘Cause it’s the truth and its physical. You f*cked up and finally I’ve been let go, so don’t be shocked when this fire-cracker blows. It’s a go.

I’m so free, I’m doing me; I’m speaking truths, confessing everything. Let a woman speak when its her time to breathe. Every lady needs her chance to be, ladies breathe, just take a moment and breathe for you and breathe for me. Breathe for every woman that took on pressure that tattooed her soul skin deep. Breathe for suckas that lost the good ones, breathe for them bad chicks with the big guns; pushing that weight to just become an undefeated champion. Breathe for the girls that just begun, the ones that ain’t found their way, say a prayer that they follow the wisdom that God lays. Pray that they see the steps that we missed, the ones we didn’t take. Pray that we all keep up with the scripture so that the devil can’t hit ya. Pray for the women that are going through too much, pray that a miracle touches every family that lost their way. Pray that the unfair circumstances pave a way, and every family find a rainbow shining bright upon their day. Pray that they find a solution in tomorrow’s promises, pray that they find happiness in another day.

I’m gonna pray, that every woman breathes, the way I breathed today. I want them to feel the oxygen of a woman’s freedom day. As long as you’re here, you still have a chance to make a change. So ladies, let’s breathe and feel freedom today.

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-Her Last Toast to Goodbye*

Freedom sings and we outgrow the self doubt that clipped our wings. After years of hesitation, the heart has grown wild, ran away and got chased, got bothered but now she waves. Before him, she lived and loved moving to the next phase. Relations could end but never end her. And a part of who I am will always despise you for what you did to her. For years, they watched her whither away too soon, but Aretha claimed, “A rose is still and always will be, a rose.” , and thus she still bloomed. He brought a new conclusion that lacked ultimate improvement, traded lies for rage and for her love that was the end of days. With love still existing she was under her hearts attack, but she fought that, and every time her mind fought back. All of her inconsistencies would drive everyone surrounding her insane. She went back more times than she backed out, loved him until her heart blacked out. Woke up and had to find the Holy Spirit just to figure it all out. Now she knows where she wants to be. You can love one soul with every depth of who you are, but with lacked reciprocation the love can’t go far. Then one day, he finally made a start, he became somebody better and came back to claim her heart. But by then her love was too buried in resentment and shame, the good heart turned dark and his heart sank below his soul as the truth inflicted pain. In some way, he would never be the same, knowing he once had her but would never grip her that way again. But that’s the past, this ends the game; she’s gone and he is the only one to blame. What a shame to know that Dream would never be claimed. Ultimately love brought a lot but nothing could be claimed, and three seeds grew as they all witnessed why a fairytale dies; a “love at first sight” would be in vain, but she won’t be the one that cries, like a boomerang, his sins birthed pain as repercussions blasted in his face. Truthfully, she learned lessons and walked away dignified: Left love behind so high and dry and only his soul would collapse as love dies. In the end his soul sings the same song that made her heart cry, still he’ll walk away stunting pride, but knowing deep inside true love ain’t worth the lies. On her end, she’ll toss her hair and say ‘that’s life’, and likewise she’ll accept the truth for every lie, and vow to love herself above it all; it’s her hearts’ last time, making her last toast to goodbye.*

The Darkest Corner

…Due to that we spend years healing the wounds that began the journey, the struggle, and even sometimes the very battle that defines us most.

Source: The Darkest Corner

‘Til the End of all Time

She was always willing to burn for whatever and whomever she loved. Passion was her greatest asset, and his love became her common drug.
Two hearts filled with passion when a man with flow found a promise in a poet he could love.
So starry nights flew by, they drank more than enough to feel flames so warm that it burned as they hugged and inside they always knew it was much more than the common case of a Beauty and a Thug.
And as those sips turned to chugs, changes would arise and they began to see a complication in the fairy tale of love at first sight.
What began as a good time with a new remarkable type would elevate quickly as his seed was sewn after so many nights of times he indulged in a wine that he liked to find between her thighs. He was bragging, “I got a wifey type!” as she was riding back home saying, “He’s the ride of a lifetime.”
And as a woman she began to change as another life grew inside, with her mind growing fast, he began to see a girl that he couldn’t recognize. That wild child, she faded from who she was when he met her, only trying to lose who she was in attempt to become somebody better. Still all the while they stayed together and fought through the challenges of change along with the struggles of a man that you’d discover if listen to his letters. And with pride set aside, it would take the sacrifice of a man and strength of a woman’s love, to overcome the adversity in a pair so rare that even astrology of love would warn of the battles these hearts would face if they chose to inner twine. Oh well, I fell in love at first sight and from day one, I was his and he was mine. So even with love alive inside, they came from two different worlds, thus being accustomed to two different visions brought about a challenge just to see eye to eye. She couldn’t make sense of who he was and likewise he was clueless when it came to understanding the ways of this new woman in his life. Still regardless, the passion and attraction was one they couldn’t shake and for that the love blossomed as she never left his side. The chemistry was never understood and from the outside looking in, the bond alone made no sense and seemed like it would take insanity to try. Her family believed, “Maybe that was her downfall, to want to challenge a man to challenge love too much. Knowing her, we know it’s a chance of possibility that it’s rested in her fate, to be madly in love with a challenge of the things most unlikely to accomplish like blessed curses from above, she’s the girl that wants to spark a difference in what can’t be changed.” As if those doubts weren’t enough, her own reflection spoke back and said, “I mean, He loves you a lot but his love is one too tough and in return your love is like that of a mother, and for this man its just too much.” Like ‘you’re too sweet and he’s just too tough.” From that, soon enough she learned doubts are contagious and can open doors as the devil puts his two cents in a convo that he wasn’t worthy of. So she booted out the devil just to over hear a wretched soul say, “They were never meant to be, too opposite to love, they just need to give it up.” So we speak on the supposed God of Fate; they say Shai sided with the diamonds departed in the sky as if to warn them both that in this constellation the stars will never align but Apolloepq chimed in and their love was blessed with the Goddess of music and poetry as she insisted thW10”.le artJ of love recognized in one another is stronger than the lightening that tries to strike them both from skies. So it seems Zues’ proclamations are proven wrong and he’s forced to forever kiss the ass of lovers as God sees the truth to the love in their eyes and he forever blesses a love that stays strong beyond hazy skies. And it’s no surprise that some couldn’t make sense as to why the love was so tight, but she never needed an approval for what felt right. And he knew, despite the one’s that doubted, he would make her his wife. They didn’t know his love for her would guide a private heart back to the woman she thought she lost inside and perhaps it was destiny for the good girl would bring structure to the bad boys life. And when the time was right, she spoke from her heart,words that would promise him her life. She said, “I’d rather choose this love than the simplicity of a life with daddy-type guy and I pray you’ll always prefer this sacred heart so much more over the wild things that you’ll be offered in this life. Choose me and I vow to choose you every time. Bottom line I love you to my core, and this love is growing into my pride and I keep it on my hip cause you’ve been my ride or die, from the time I was nervous to the time you said, ‘Will you be my wife”, and I just love to hear to say, “You’re the love of my life.” So her heart spoke aloud as he took it all inside and the two made a promise that ‘what was thought to be a never ever, would last until the end of all time’.

The Blessing Beneath the Dress

He’s my storm, somehow a beautiful one. Though it began too good to be true, and we were caught up in a love bloom, Now some days it’s blue and absolute destruction …but up to this moment, it’s the climax of who I’ve become. My life changed entirely, my hopes have shifted to a whole other side of me.  And all my hopes and dreams have raised to a pedal stool way higher than they were before. Determination intensifies and I carry the fire in my eyes, damning any voice inside that whispers fatal lies. Every now and then the fear starts to rise making me wonder if I desire too much compared to what reality will match for my life. I was on the right track every dream was in tact so I can’t help but to feel a bit set back. So every night I pray for the strength to keep my head held high and look far past any doubt in the sky. Inside of me a miracle is patiently waiting to arrive and I vow to give my life for the purpose of protecting and guiding this new light. A tear drops at the thought of harm coming your way. But I know I can’t hold you so tight that I push you to go astray. I’ve loved you from the very first day and even before it was confirmed I knew something inside of me had changed. I would give anything to hold you right now, just to look into your eyes and know that you’re alright. I wonder what you’ll look like and I try to guess your sound, I’m so anxious for the day that I can bring my self manifested angel baby home and lay her down. Your father loves you more than he can come to express and his high hopes are focused on a babyboy growing beneath this dress. I love that man to a new extent, I’ve been experiencing a love that I can’t quite express. I pray we make it through the stress and with a happy family you’ll be blessed. Babydoll its only 4 months in but just know from now until forever, mommy and daddy will give their life for you and with everyday we give our absolute best. I’ll love you whole heartedly and with any ounce of my soul that’s left. You’re my sweet escape and beloved angel, I’ll wait patiently for the day I can hear your first breath. From now until forever, this woman, your mother, will be eternally blessed.

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The Essence of a Woman’s Love

The voice and mind of a woman is superb and powerful. Let’s not bury it with an aggravated attempt at a man’s conscious. I used to try to “act like a lady and think like a man” but I realized that thinking like a man is just a waste of a woman. It’s wiser and much more beneficial to study a man’s behavior and communicate to find his true desires and love him with the fruits of his hearts confessions. To love a man and receive the best of his love in return takes a deeper approach than mimicking his mindset. Don’t rob a man of the love that’s rooted from a woman’s essence. Don’t try to adopt his demeanor, let a man be the man, find the voice of your womanhood and play your phenomenal role as a woman. Speak your mind after learning his. Give him the space he desires in order to have a clear head, and be patient while loving him. In this, the love that he’s always wanted will be revealed through you. Sacrifice the selfish ways that bring out that desperate lover and love him the way he wants to be loved, because at the end of it all thats what women want as well. Give him that same respect you demand and you’ll discover a man that is proud and anxious to love you with the best of who he is and every ounce of passion that he has to offer. That’s what we’ve wanted so bad for so long, and it’s not impossible to find, but half the search is within the love we possess and put forth.  So love him in a way that he’s shown will work, in a way in which neither heart is left in the dirt and he’ll love you in return for all that you’re worth.

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…Him

As soon as my head hit his chest, the rest of the night was blessed. I showed him every element, and let him get the best. There was legs in legs and chests on breasts. I held him close, his arms gripped me tighter, our bodies were a love nest that couldn’t keep quiet. Whether he dove or swam, he was in to win. Whether we restled or we layed, songs were played either way. In a sound that I’ve never heard, this man’s touch was caressing my tightest nerves, easing all my worries and erasing all the hurt. His love was speaking brave words that relayed as he slurred, every sip and hit got the truth to his thoughts closer to the edge of his lips. And at the end of all resistance, I collapsed, my face fell flat and I rested on the sound of his existence.

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A Smoother Dream

For once I want to be free from all the things I’m supposed to be. Switch up my beat and flow to a smoother dream, one that won’t dissipate when I turn away. Just stay the same, keep alive that same dream, when I come back let’s fly that same plane; don’t switch your ways. And maybe he could follow me, blow a tree, passion in the base of my everything. So it lifts me and I speak to thee, pretty things, the purest secrets that are kept between you and me. He’s like a dream or a sweet escape from common company. I had no intentions on flying away or setting myself so free but now I’m soaring inevitably. He sets my fears on fire, tosses out my doubts with the proof that flows past the slick shit that comes from a gents mouth. He rains his affection all over me, speaking truths past the normal sweet nothings, he’s talking serious something’s. He leaves me in a daydream, even the night sings, waking up everyday smiling comfortably. I wouldn’t trade him, I just wanna cash my sins and say I’m all in. So come back to the place where I met you that day, it’ll take me bout an hour but I’m on my way. And when I get there, I hope you’re ready to feel the air, relax babe I’m back. I came and I left and to my surprise I came right back, simple as that. You make it is so easy to dive into an unknown land, and I’ve never sat down with this kind of man. Let’s just be, everything we take in and all the stars we witness and every kiss we lay in. I could leave, take break, do a separate thing, but it seems everyday I just wanna stay. I just wanna lay, I just wanna bathe in the truth of a soul in a whole new way.

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There are some elements of my life that I like to keep private. However when it comes to writing, there are no limits. Once I decide I want to write about a subject, every wall of boundary comes tumbling down. I’ll speak on it all, and I’ll most often bleed a brutal and raunchy truth. The heart’s honesty has become my greatest indulgence. My story, her story, his story, and your story speaks to me constantly. I’m madly in love with reality; the good shit, the ugly truths, even the wretched things get me hot.

Why write?

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She’s Love’s Fool and She Knows It

 

Sometimes I play the fool, but I still know the truth deep inside, so it’s alright. Right? But this time it’s as dangerous as a crook in the night. In fact, it’s even more wrong to think that you yourself are right. I’m blinding myself, if I keep it up I might lose my own sight. I can tell something ain’t right, it’s not just a vibe, because when I was up against myself, I chose your side. But why? I’ve done this a thousand times and I never saw the wrong, it never disturbed my pride. Until now, that I see all I’ve kept bottled inside, and the resentment that has grown from the times you shut me down when I spoke my mind. Why is it that you have more power over my mind than I have over mine? How come you can walk in and change my preference just by influence over time? Why are you so damn great to me that I’ve become an idiot to the simple things? How could you call it love when you show no remorse for making me cry, you didn’t even care to make sure I was alright. But trust me, beloved lover, one day you’ll get yours and likewise I’ll get mine. It may take months or years to claim that prize, but I’ll be fine. How do I love you yet have a burning desire to see something unclaimed about you just diminish slowly over time. One day I’ll grow the nerve to walk away and let you reap what you deserve. I’ll wash away every piece of you that remains and I’ll remember you most for your selfish ways. One day all of this crooked love and shattered faith will change, and once I set your fake ass love to flames, maybe then I’ll be okay.

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