Category Archives: Life

-Her Last Toast to Goodbye*

Freedom sings and we outgrow the self doubt that clipped our wings. After years of hesitation, the heart has grown wild, ran away and got chased, got bothered but now she waves. Before him, she lived and loved moving to the next phase. Relations could end but never end her. And a part of who I am will always despise you for what you did to her. For years, they watched her whither away too soon, but Aretha claimed, “A rose is still and always will be, a rose.” , and thus she still bloomed. He brought a new conclusion that lacked ultimate improvement, traded lies for rage and for her love that was the end of days. With love still existing she was under her hearts attack, but she fought that, and every time her mind fought back. All of her inconsistencies would drive everyone surrounding her insane. She went back more times than she backed out, loved him until her heart blacked out. Woke up and had to find the Holy Spirit just to figure it all out. Now she knows where she wants to be. You can love one soul with every depth of who you are, but with lacked reciprocation the love can’t go far. Then one day, he finally made a start, he became somebody better and came back to claim her heart. But by then her love was too buried in resentment and shame, the good heart turned dark and his heart sank below his soul as the truth inflicted pain. In some way, he would never be the same, knowing he once had her but would never grip her that way again. But that’s the past, this ends the game; she’s gone and he is the only one to blame. What a shame to know that Dream would never be claimed. Ultimately love brought a lot but nothing could be claimed, and three seeds grew as they all witnessed why a fairytale dies; a “love at first sight” would be in vain, but she won’t be the one that cries, like a boomerang, his sins birthed pain as repercussions blasted in his face. Truthfully, she learned lessons and walked away dignified: Left love behind so high and dry and only his soul would collapse as love dies. In the end his soul sings the same song that made her heart cry, still he’ll walk away stunting pride, but knowing deep inside true love ain’t worth the lies. On her end, she’ll toss her hair and say ‘that’s life’, and likewise she’ll accept the truth for every lie, and vow to love herself above it all; it’s her hearts’ last time, making her last toast to goodbye.*

The Darkest Corner

…Due to that we spend years healing the wounds that began the journey, the struggle, and even sometimes the very battle that defines us most.

Source: The Darkest Corner

‘Til the End of all Time

She was always willing to burn for whatever and whomever she loved. Passion was her greatest asset, and his love became her common drug.
Two hearts filled with passion when a man with flow found a promise in a poet he could love.
So starry nights flew by, they drank more than enough to feel flames so warm that it burned as they hugged and inside they always knew it was much more than the common case of a Beauty and a Thug.
And as those sips turned to chugs, changes would arise and they began to see a complication in the fairy tale of love at first sight.
What began as a good time with a new remarkable type would elevate quickly as his seed was sewn after so many nights of times he indulged in a wine that he liked to find between her thighs. He was bragging, “I got a wifey type!” as she was riding back home saying, “He’s the ride of a lifetime.”
And as a woman she began to change as another life grew inside, with her mind growing fast, he began to see a girl that he couldn’t recognize. That wild child, she faded from who she was when he met her, only trying to lose who she was in attempt to become somebody better. Still all the while they stayed together and fought through the challenges of change along with the struggles of a man that you’d discover if listen to his letters. And with pride set aside, it would take the sacrifice of a man and strength of a woman’s love, to overcome the adversity in a pair so rare that even astrology of love would warn of the battles these hearts would face if they chose to inner twine. Oh well, I fell in love at first sight and from day one, I was his and he was mine. So even with love alive inside, they came from two different worlds, thus being accustomed to two different visions brought about a challenge just to see eye to eye. She couldn’t make sense of who he was and likewise he was clueless when it came to understanding the ways of this new woman in his life. Still regardless, the passion and attraction was one they couldn’t shake and for that the love blossomed as she never left his side. The chemistry was never understood and from the outside looking in, the bond alone made no sense and seemed like it would take insanity to try. Her family believed, “Maybe that was her downfall, to want to challenge a man to challenge love too much. Knowing her, we know it’s a chance of possibility that it’s rested in her fate, to be madly in love with a challenge of the things most unlikely to accomplish like blessed curses from above, she’s the girl that wants to spark a difference in what can’t be changed.” As if those doubts weren’t enough, her own reflection spoke back and said, “I mean, He loves you a lot but his love is one too tough and in return your love is like that of a mother, and for this man its just too much.” Like ‘you’re too sweet and he’s just too tough.” From that, soon enough she learned doubts are contagious and can open doors as the devil puts his two cents in a convo that he wasn’t worthy of. So she booted out the devil just to over hear a wretched soul say, “They were never meant to be, too opposite to love, they just need to give it up.” So we speak on the supposed God of Fate; they say Shai sided with the diamonds departed in the sky as if to warn them both that in this constellation the stars will never align but Apolloepq chimed in and their love was blessed with the Goddess of music and poetry as she insisted thW10”.le artJ of love recognized in one another is stronger than the lightening that tries to strike them both from skies. So it seems Zues’ proclamations are proven wrong and he’s forced to forever kiss the ass of lovers as God sees the truth to the love in their eyes and he forever blesses a love that stays strong beyond hazy skies. And it’s no surprise that some couldn’t make sense as to why the love was so tight, but she never needed an approval for what felt right. And he knew, despite the one’s that doubted, he would make her his wife. They didn’t know his love for her would guide a private heart back to the woman she thought she lost inside and perhaps it was destiny for the good girl would bring structure to the bad boys life. And when the time was right, she spoke from her heart,words that would promise him her life. She said, “I’d rather choose this love than the simplicity of a life with daddy-type guy and I pray you’ll always prefer this sacred heart so much more over the wild things that you’ll be offered in this life. Choose me and I vow to choose you every time. Bottom line I love you to my core, and this love is growing into my pride and I keep it on my hip cause you’ve been my ride or die, from the time I was nervous to the time you said, ‘Will you be my wife”, and I just love to hear to say, “You’re the love of my life.” So her heart spoke aloud as he took it all inside and the two made a promise that ‘what was thought to be a never ever, would last until the end of all time’.

The Blessing Beneath the Dress

He’s my storm, somehow a beautiful one. Though it began too good to be true, and we were caught up in a love bloom, Now some days it’s blue and absolute destruction …but up to this moment, it’s the climax of who I’ve become. My life changed entirely, my hopes have shifted to a whole other side of me.  And all my hopes and dreams have raised to a pedal stool way higher than they were before. Determination intensifies and I carry the fire in my eyes, damning any voice inside that whispers fatal lies. Every now and then the fear starts to rise making me wonder if I desire too much compared to what reality will match for my life. I was on the right track every dream was in tact so I can’t help but to feel a bit set back. So every night I pray for the strength to keep my head held high and look far past any doubt in the sky. Inside of me a miracle is patiently waiting to arrive and I vow to give my life for the purpose of protecting and guiding this new light. A tear drops at the thought of harm coming your way. But I know I can’t hold you so tight that I push you to go astray. I’ve loved you from the very first day and even before it was confirmed I knew something inside of me had changed. I would give anything to hold you right now, just to look into your eyes and know that you’re alright. I wonder what you’ll look like and I try to guess your sound, I’m so anxious for the day that I can bring my self manifested angel baby home and lay her down. Your father loves you more than he can come to express and his high hopes are focused on a babyboy growing beneath this dress. I love that man to a new extent, I’ve been experiencing a love that I can’t quite express. I pray we make it through the stress and with a happy family you’ll be blessed. Babydoll its only 4 months in but just know from now until forever, mommy and daddy will give their life for you and with everyday we give our absolute best. I’ll love you whole heartedly and with any ounce of my soul that’s left. You’re my sweet escape and beloved angel, I’ll wait patiently for the day I can hear your first breath. From now until forever, this woman, your mother, will be eternally blessed.

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…Him

As soon as my head hit his chest, the rest of the night was blessed. I showed him every element, and let him get the best. There was legs in legs and chests on breasts. I held him close, his arms gripped me tighter, our bodies were a love nest that couldn’t keep quiet. Whether he dove or swam, he was in to win. Whether we restled or we layed, songs were played either way. In a sound that I’ve never heard, this man’s touch was caressing my tightest nerves, easing all my worries and erasing all the hurt. His love was speaking brave words that relayed as he slurred, every sip and hit got the truth to his thoughts closer to the edge of his lips. And at the end of all resistance, I collapsed, my face fell flat and I rested on the sound of his existence.

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A Smoother Dream

For once I want to be free from all the things I’m supposed to be. Switch up my beat and flow to a smoother dream, one that won’t dissipate when I turn away. Just stay the same, keep alive that same dream, when I come back let’s fly that same plane; don’t switch your ways. And maybe he could follow me, blow a tree, passion in the base of my everything. So it lifts me and I speak to thee, pretty things, the purest secrets that are kept between you and me. He’s like a dream or a sweet escape from common company. I had no intentions on flying away or setting myself so free but now I’m soaring inevitably. He sets my fears on fire, tosses out my doubts with the proof that flows past the slick shit that comes from a gents mouth. He rains his affection all over me, speaking truths past the normal sweet nothings, he’s talking serious something’s. He leaves me in a daydream, even the night sings, waking up everyday smiling comfortably. I wouldn’t trade him, I just wanna cash my sins and say I’m all in. So come back to the place where I met you that day, it’ll take me bout an hour but I’m on my way. And when I get there, I hope you’re ready to feel the air, relax babe I’m back. I came and I left and to my surprise I came right back, simple as that. You make it is so easy to dive into an unknown land, and I’ve never sat down with this kind of man. Let’s just be, everything we take in and all the stars we witness and every kiss we lay in. I could leave, take break, do a separate thing, but it seems everyday I just wanna stay. I just wanna lay, I just wanna bathe in the truth of a soul in a whole new way.

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There are some elements of my life that I like to keep private. However when it comes to writing, there are no limits. Once I decide I want to write about a subject, every wall of boundary comes tumbling down. I’ll speak on it all, and I’ll most often bleed a brutal and raunchy truth. The heart’s honesty has become my greatest indulgence. My story, her story, his story, and your story speaks to me constantly. I’m madly in love with reality; the good shit, the ugly truths, even the wretched things get me hot.

Why write?

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Sneak Peak!

“…Gazing much too deeply focused on the frame of his manhood, I was on the edge of eruption. Desire had carried me to the puddle of another soaked bomb ass piece of attire once again, the moans were directly behind my teeth, pushed up against the tip of my tongue. I was a genius for having the capability to keep this inside of myself, knowing my inner sex slave was beside me ready to leap and be guilty of his most disastrous and explosive orgasm of his tripled years. I, his woman desired to be the climax of his life, in every essence. I wanted to scream, not me though, SHE wanted to release herself to a man that could handle it, double, triple, multiple, endless orgasms, oh God whatever he could endure Naj was down for it. I knew once our sex-scapade was coming to a resolution my v spot would be sore and pumping, but entirely with pleasure. I just wanted to fade into a deep sleep with two of his rock hard fingers resting inside of me.  It’s amazing the way those desires we’re always there. Naj waited patiently as we laid there, cursing my name for the things I’d never say. She was the sex fiend that haunted the “good girl”, somehow she always convinced me to experiment with the edgiest levels of her desires. Sex was her dream, love was mine, and the medium was a constant battle.”

-Candy Pains

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Bottom of His Love

If you’ve never prayed your hardest, you’ll do it when hit this damn near fatal crash in the road. You’ll need the insight of something bigger than yourself because you won’t know for certain which way to go. They all want to stay here for comfort but flee for freedom from a broken dream at the same time. We all get numb to the pain of heartbreak after the same tears have been cried. Looking back, he lied and she lied, and the relationship was built on bitter truths and pretty false promises. The bond wasn’t broken; the problem was that it was never built strong enough in the first place, it was never truly solid. And at the second trace, she replayed everything in her head. She stayed in for three days and cried herself to sleep a hundred times in her bed. She’ll give up on everything that includes you and light this fairytale on fire because it wasn’t enough to burn through your head; it only got her too caught up. She sits in silence as there is madness in her head, and just when she thought the tears had ceased, she fell  to her knees and they rained harder instead. Her music doesn’t do her any good at this phase of writing the wrongs, she doesn’t even have the courage to listen to a single r&b song.  She’s such a good girl but the pain works like thorns and she says, “I’d rather be bad.” Scrolling down her music, give me something harsh, I want cruelty, something to match these scars. She plays rock and some sick rap, some raunchy shit, and with love’s death in her head she fades back to black with dread. She could trade crack rock for love, it would be the same thing, bring the same pain, fuck you up in the same damn way. She looked at the ground, staring just to find strength in her soul and honesty in her intentions, all she found was a thousand things she forgot to mention. She pushed herself away from him and in this black hole she got shoved. And she hopes for the sake of fairness, one day he too hits the bottom of his love.

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I wrote this for a beloved friend of mine, her situation taught me just as much as my own did. I struggled with whether or not I should share such a private and personal letter but I just think a lot of other lovers share the same emotions, so please, learn from her heart’s story.

There have been times when she didn’t know her own strength, and at times she couldn’t even see the limits she placed on herself. There were days when she woke up confident, knowing that her smile would genuinely last. In those very days, she had her ultimate breakdowns and truly came face to face with her hearts reality. She was frail for love, for the past, especially weak for a feeling that was gone but the memory alone had her bound into hope. She knew she had it in her to leave a love that she wanted so bad to keep, but she loved him and the though t of him too much to do it.

She needed strength beyond herself; she needed God to drag the true strength of a woman out of her, because she alone didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay and let love run its course,but she was getting restless with playing forever the fool. Even in the midst of every lie, at the end of the day she wanted to try to make it work. She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she wasn’t supposed to stay in that relationship, she knew an ending was approaching. It’s still a mystery and divine wonder how she knew it, but she simply felt it; growing inside of her like a cancer poisoning her high hopes with depressing truths of the reality she lived in. Above all the other emotions and mixed desires, she was becoming well aware of her worth.

When that day of courage and will came, she ran with it and left the love that built her, a love that shaped her in good ways and bad, most of all it was a love that gave her hope. She knew that she was trapped in a plea, a craving for more than the love he would give, but held by a promise from him, for better. She believed that a love like that could endure and last. There came time when that love, that passion and friendship was no longer good for her, somehow something cruel had crept in and remained  lying in between them, slowly putting them in a battle against each other. He broke her heart and even in the days that she stayed the love was being slowly ruined, like a rotting fruit that once would taste so sweet, the effect couldn’t be undone.  There came a turning point in which all that built her began to break her down, and she watched herself sink lower and lower into a weakness for love, but even in those moments she knew she would eventually see the day of letting go.  It was love, but not a love worth standing by, she was alone in love and eventually she was the only one fighting for it. That’s when it was enough. They began having repeated nights of silence and empty conversations. She needed him to beg her to stay; she needed him to change her mind, and even if it was fooling her, she needed that; she wanted him to give her a reason so she wouldn’t have to walk away and end a relationship that she bet her heart on. When the silence sunk in and she found herself empty of all the things she needed so badly, she knew it was over.

Although she stayed physically, she knew deep inside that emotionally he was drifting; she was lost in awe of how they reached the point of love to where her love was no longer enough to keep this man at home and in her arms. He was doing what he wanted regardless of how good he had it at home. She grew and she learned that unless she stood up, change wasn’t coming, and no matter how bad it got, he would stay in the relationship; she couldn’t depend on him to walk away. He wasn’t loving in the way he should, and she was loving in ways she shouldn’t, even to a man who meant the world to her, and she claimed as her hero, even to him she was giving too much giving pieces that were undeserved. She went through phases unheard of, ones that an untarnished heart couldn’t imagine. She took steps forth, just be drug back to phase one, but even with that, time began to heal her, and with every day, even in her rivers of tears, she became stronger and she grew inspired and determined to love herself above love, itself.

The Essence of a Broken Heart

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