A Smoother Dream

For once I want to be free from all the things I’m supposed to be. Switch up my beat and flow to a smoother dream, one that won’t dissipate when I turn away. Just stay the same, keep alive that same dream, when I come back let’s fly that same plane; don’t switch your ways. And maybe he could follow me, blow a tree, passion in the base of my everything. So it lifts me and I speak to thee, pretty things, the purest secrets that are kept between you and me. He’s like a dream or a sweet escape from common company. I had no intentions on flying away or setting myself so free but now I’m soaring inevitably. He sets my fears on fire, tosses out my doubts with the proof that flows past the slick shit that comes from a gents mouth. He rains his affection all over me, speaking truths past the normal sweet nothings, he’s talking serious something’s. He leaves me in a daydream, even the night sings, waking up everyday smiling comfortably. I wouldn’t trade him, I just wanna cash my sins and say I’m all in. So come back to the place where I met you that day, it’ll take me bout an hour but I’m on my way. And when I get there, I hope you’re ready to feel the air, relax babe I’m back. I came and I left and to my surprise I came right back, simple as that. You make it is so easy to dive into an unknown land, and I’ve never sat down with this kind of man. Let’s just be, everything we take in and all the stars we witness and every kiss we lay in. I could leave, take break, do a separate thing, but it seems everyday I just wanna stay. I just wanna lay, I just wanna bathe in the truth of a soul in a whole new way.

Sneak Peak!

“…Gazing much too deeply focused on the frame of his manhood, I was on the edge of eruption. Desire had carried me to the puddle of another soaked bomb ass piece of attire once again, the moans were directly behind my teeth, pushed up against the tip of my tongue. I was a genius for having the capability to keep this inside of myself, knowing my inner sex slave was beside me ready to leap and be guilty of his most disastrous and explosive orgasm of his tripled years. I, his woman desired to be the climax of his life, in every essence. I wanted to scream, not me though, SHE wanted to release herself to a man that could handle it, double, triple, multiple, endless orgasms, oh God whatever he could endure Naj was down for it. I knew once our sex-scapade was coming to a resolution my v spot would be sore and pumping, but entirely with pleasure. I just wanted to fade into a deep sleep with two of his rock hard fingers resting inside of me.  It’s amazing the way those desires we’re always there. Naj waited patiently as we laid there, cursing my name for the things I’d never say. She was the sex fiend that haunted the “good girl”, somehow she always convinced me to experiment with the edgiest levels of her desires. Sex was her dream, love was mine, and the medium was a constant battle.”

-Candy Pains

The Worth in Love

…Even with the people set aside, the story itself is undeniably captivating.

If we could all just understand the beauty we withhold and the courage we keep so hidden. We could be so amazing if we just gave ourselves the chance. With passions, careers, family, friendships, and the ultimate treasure, love, we should always keep pushing for the purpose, for the story that’s worth telling. Our journeys and tales are not so much about recognition or even fortune, we don’t wish so much to be envied but more to be understood. If every heart could comprehend one another and truly know the intentions we carry, I think that love wouldn’t be so hard to hold onto, that is if we truly understood it. And with love, it’s never been hard to find; just difficult to trust, confusing to decipher and sometimes a conflict to keep believing in. But it is worth the worry and it is worthy of the tears, even with the people set aside, the story itself is undeniably captivating. It catches every character that becomes a part of it and somehow it gives us the faith to believe in it, all over again. It’s that one cycle that builds itself back up and starts all over again. We’ve all believed in it, fought for it, we’ve turned away from it, only to find it again in another form. If love is something you don’t believe in, that’s understandable considering the mystery behind your untold story, but search to figure out why you don’t trust it. I can recall several times when I thought love was a mission I would no longer attempt, even a myth when I was backed into certain corners of life. But with time our mind changes and we outgrow our doubts in that black magic we call love. It’s beautiful, we should cherish the experience; I can’t imagine a life without those legends to tell.

Intimacy: The Mirror Affect

This became a dangerous way to love someone as his voice spoke louder in my mind than my own did, statistically I trusted him on more occasions than I trusted myself and mentally he had the upper hand.

Even as a man, he was so much of what I wanted to be as a woman. He was comfortable in his flaws as he always worked to improve his self-worth, and accordingly secure in his plan for his future. He had a fashion sense as good as mine, and I loved the way we complimented each other as we made public appearances as if a way to profess our love. Together we had a stride that demanded an audience, and we took pride in that. He was brave but took chances without ever risking more than he was willing to lose. He wasn’t only clever; he was among the wisest of men I’ve known, so much that he stood in rank of one of the most influential people in my life. He gained wisdom in every past trial he faced, never walking away without a lesson. Nothing defeated him so far, he always rose above the obstacles and came out stronger than before and always one smile closer to his dreams. He knew how to get ahead in life, and with a skilled way with words and a personality that drove his social skills to a new calling, this man was the downfall of so many competitors that crossed his path.  He truly didn’t worry for longer than he should. He placed the concerns beyond his efforts in God’s care, and I admired that part of his character. All of these elements were the pieces of him that I loved, and the best of what I took with me when I left. He grew within me leaving these beneficial traces that would be another guiding light, and I will forever have a loving respect for a piece of my past for that reason.

He was none the less human though, and while he had characteristics that I loved, those beautiful pieces were only half of who he was. We had very different views on the value of love versus success. This man was nine years my senior and 75% of what shaped me since I began this journey of woman hood. My mother whispered to me, “Be careful my love, that man has a charm that could convince and kill.” In the end, my mother’s intuition was right on point, this man had a weapon of magnetism like no other. The gifts of his love were his influence of passion and thrive, but that love came with a curse of questioning my own beliefs of how I should run my life; what will keep me warm at night, love or success? Am I willing to compromise that in order to have him forever? I believed his mind and trusted his guidance. His influence was more powerful than my own. This became a dangerous way to love someone as his voice spoke louder in my mind than my own did, statistically I trusted him on more occasions than I trusted myself and mentally he had the upper hand. This was the first man I ever loved. Clearly love didn’t have to last to satisfy him, it only has to exist, to make a mark, and that was enough for him. Even as a very grown man, marriage was a nice thought in his mind but it wasn’t a piece of his life that he needed. The thoughts of success and wealth somehow kept him warmer at night than a woman’s touch.

We had a seven year long run, full of friendship, betrayal, compromise, plans, and lots and lots of sexual desires. Somehow our intimacy made his impact on me run deep. His carnal knowledge was quite detailed, he learned a lot through his years of relationships with women, and for seven years I slurped every bit of that sex education up. They didn’t teach this shit in grade school, he offered the unrated and uncut version of the truth. He was an expert on pleasing a woman and even a great professor on how a woman could take a man to the edge of ecstasy. I learned every ounce of freakiness from him, sometimes I even wondered what I’d be like if he had never explored the depths of me and turned me out, sexually and mentally. He sexed so good he made a quickie feel like love making, even when I knew his mind was somewhere else, his body told a different story, a much more beautiful lie. The more our bodies were shared, the more our minds began to challenge their similarity. I began to read him better than I had in the past years. I wasn’t sure if I agreed with his values but I was slowly becoming okay with someone very opposite of who I was at heart. Somehow in the heat of sex, I began to introduce him to my additional ways of thinking and he began to warp my mind as well.

Intimacy has a way of taking things to a deeper level, the more involved you become, the more you care, the more you wonder, and the deeper you truly fall. Sex on this level has a magical way of changing a person’s mind, even giving them hope and convincing them to stay a little longer; perhaps they can take me even deeper into this black magic we call love; we were both so guilty of that mindset. Eventually we came to know that we were caught up into something we had lost mental and emotional control over. Friendship, future plans and everything else that had held the relationship up on a pedestal had drifted and all that was left was an ever winding emotional whirlwind of intimacy. Even when it was all that we had left, just a taste of it was still enough to keep us going. It was our drug that we were proud to overindulge in, and deep down we knew it kept us together even when common sense said we should be apart.

You can fall into someone else’s soul without ever knowing it, that sexual, mental and physical bond is strong and can overpower your own mind. Once you reach a certain level of intimacy, I don’t believe it’s just sex, at this point in the game, who you let in determines what is done within you. Will they damage your mind or deliver your spirit? Perhaps they have potential to do both. Are you there for the same reasons they are or are the two motives facing different directions? It’s not only your body that you’re allowing them to enter; intimacy involves the mind, spirit, and heart. What if one day you became just like them, would you be proud to mirror this person?  It’s imperative that an individual takes note of the honest answer to that question.

Intimacy is not only a lovey dovey affair; it leaves deep roots from each person involved. Intimacy drives a connection that’s mentally penetrating and transcendent; it takes you to a state of mind far beyond the words I’m speaking. You touch each other physically while moving inside of each other in every additional essence. You become a piece of the other person, you each leave traces that you’ve been there; at this level of intimacy, you will remember what they were like to the T; even the thoughts that emerged with the strokes will be taken note of. The door of influence creeks open in the midst of desire and two souls intertwine. Intimacy is beautiful, deep and the climax of so many people’s pleasure points, it’s a powerful sharing experience, therefore be aware and particular on whom you share these experiences with. Be knowledgeable on who you are opening yourself up to and the mindset they carry because regardless of whether or not you notice it, intimacy has a way of causing a person’s impact on you to be quite profound.

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Women are considered deep as no one can discover the bottom of them, and no woman is truly shallow as what deepens her is simply unknown.

Her trials lead her to a new found calling, one that her and her Upmost High Father agree on, that is the road we all attempt to get back on. With every ounce of confidence and beauty we still guard ourselves from the dangers we’ve come to know. We learn ourselves through the years and come to understand what’s good for us as well as what breaks us apart. We know that the heart and the mind are not one in the same but we do try to agree on the things that satisfy both components. Women are considered deep as no one can discover the bottom of them, and no woman is truly shallow as what deepens her is simply unknown.  I’ve never met a woman that was simple minded, only women that couldn’t find the words to express themselves and the meaning behind empty statement that left others thinking she didn’t comprehend the world surrounding her.

The Essence of Her Strength

After every trial we face the facts, like everybody you love aint gonna stick around. And even the ones you let in may find themselves stepping out. We’re all human, different mistakes all end in the same apologies. Fellas say ‘Baby I’m sorry’, and females sit back and say ‘Nigga Please’. Some women never really pack their bags, other’s will leave him and never look back. Other situations leave everybody but her in doubt; because eventually the time comes in which if only one heart’s in it then she’ll take herself out. Even if there are no answers in response, following her heart is what she’s all about. Even if it hurts the one she loves, she does what’s best for her because deep down she puts herself first. We get our feelings hurt, swallow our pride then listen to the woman inside. She says, “Girl keep ya head up, don’t let a man take your joy or even steal your voice.” So we get back up and try it all again, sometimes without even paying him back for all the shit that he did. We forgive others because we’ll need somebody to forgive us in the end. We keep a smile, because opposites attract and we don’t want a broken hearted girl to shine through the cracks. That is until we crash, one wrong turn can just set us off track, put us right back to a place in time that never got patched. But that’s a woman, we move on even though there comes days when we cry about what didn’t last. We got our stories and we got our past, but we move ahead as if to that we’re not attached. Good or bad, happy or sad, we do it all until the end so we can say we gave all we had. She can fall flat on her face, without it being a fall from grace; dust off the tears, learn the lesson and stand tall with no shame. And still, she’ll give all she can, and just when you think she’s been defeated, she’ll do it all again.

As we relaxed beside each…

As we relaxed beside each other, our bodies against each other in pleasure, he was closer to my thoughts than ever before.

It was one of my dearest days, the days I wait for anxiously knowing he’s about to be in my world, and me in his. The distance didn’t matter a bit once I felt his touch turning my butter tint cashmere skin into pure silk. The days I spent with him made up for every doubt within me, and he took care of those doubts and addressed them as if they were his duty. He was the only one, I didn’t find interest in the guys that complimented me before him and he didn’t go after all the girls that looked tasteful but lacked a clear head. Now here we were with our chosen one, the one we each picked apart from the rest. There was love in the midst of everything we expressed and that feeling carried me to the moment I was soaking in, the desire that bathed me from within. Before he came along, it was always just me and myself, I never needed a hero nor did I reach for one. But he was something like a superman for me, and I held so close to that and truly believed in what he had to offer.  As we relaxed beside each other, our bodies against each other in pleasure, he was closer to my thoughts than ever before. He was near me and our bodies were tempting one another with presence alone. His absence hurt when he was gone but his presence was even more of a catastrophe as it made me want to scream his name in my up-most pleasure. Instead I simply moaned as I rubbed his stomach, talking intuitively to him about the bond we both were wrapped in. Touching me gently on the length of my neck, he calmed my fears as I explained the doubts I had and the emotions that worried me. Slowly in the motion of his  hands yet quickly in my heart he assured me that he was laying beside me with the best intentions. His patience turned me on and set my heart on fire to know the deepest desires of this man. He didn’t rush me to open my body to him, he only loved me more and more as he waited. I wanted him inside of me, and the more nights we spoke, the more I came to realize that his words were true and his intentions were pure. I waited patiently as we laid there, cursing my name for the things I’d never say.