-Her Last Toast to Goodbye*

Freedom sings and we outgrow the self doubt that clipped our wings. After years of hesitation, the heart has grown wild, ran away and got chased, got bothered but now she waves. Before him, she lived and loved moving to the next phase. Relations could end but never end her. And a part of who I am will always despise you for what you did to her. For years, they watched her whither away too soon, but Aretha claimed, “A rose is still and always will be, a rose.” , and thus she still bloomed. He brought a new conclusion that lacked ultimate improvement, traded lies for rage and for her love that was the end of days. With love still existing she was under her hearts attack, but she fought that, and every time her mind fought back. All of her inconsistencies would drive everyone surrounding her insane. She went back more times than she backed out, loved him until her heart blacked out. Woke up and had to find the Holy Spirit just to figure it all out. Now she knows where she wants to be. You can love one soul with every depth of who you are, but with lacked reciprocation the love can’t go far. Then one day, he finally made a start, he became somebody better and came back to claim her heart. But by then her love was too buried in resentment and shame, the good heart turned dark and his heart sank below his soul as the truth inflicted pain. In some way, he would never be the same, knowing he once had her but would never grip her that way again. But that’s the past, this ends the game; she’s gone and he is the only one to blame. What a shame to know that Dream would never be claimed. Ultimately love brought a lot but nothing could be claimed, and three seeds grew as they all witnessed why a fairytale dies; a “love at first sight” would be in vain, but she won’t be the one that cries, like a boomerang, his sins birthed pain as repercussions blasted in his face. Truthfully, she learned lessons and walked away dignified: Left love behind so high and dry and only his soul would collapse as love dies. In the end his soul sings the same song that made her heart cry, still he’ll walk away stunting pride, but knowing deep inside true love ain’t worth the lies. On her end, she’ll toss her hair and say ‘that’s life’, and likewise she’ll accept the truth for every lie, and vow to love herself above it all; it’s her hearts’ last time, making her last toast to goodbye.*

The Essence of a Woman’s Love

The voice and mind of a woman is superb and powerful. Let’s not bury it with an aggravated attempt at a man’s conscious. I used to try to “act like a lady and think like a man” but I realized that thinking like a man is just a waste of a woman. It’s wiser and much more beneficial to study a man’s behavior and communicate to find his true desires and love him with the fruits of his hearts confessions. To love a man and receive the best of his love in return takes a deeper approach than mimicking his mindset. Don’t rob a man of the love that’s rooted from a woman’s essence. Don’t try to adopt his demeanor, let a man be the man, find the voice of your womanhood and play your phenomenal role as a woman. Speak your mind after learning his. Give him the space he desires in order to have a clear head, and be patient while loving him. In this, the love that he’s always wanted will be revealed through you. Sacrifice the selfish ways that bring out that desperate lover and love him the way he wants to be loved, because at the end of it all thats what women want as well. Give him that same respect you demand and you’ll discover a man that is proud and anxious to love you with the best of who he is and every ounce of passion that he has to offer. That’s what we’ve wanted so bad for so long, and it’s not impossible to find, but half the search is within the love we possess and put forth.  So love him in a way that he’s shown will work, in a way in which neither heart is left in the dirt and he’ll love you in return for all that you’re worth.

…Him

As soon as my head hit his chest, the rest of the night was blessed. I showed him every element, and let him get the best. There was legs in legs and chests on breasts. I held him close, his arms gripped me tighter, our bodies were a love nest that couldn’t keep quiet. Whether he dove or swam, he was in to win. Whether we restled or we layed, songs were played either way. In a sound that I’ve never heard, this man’s touch was caressing my tightest nerves, easing all my worries and erasing all the hurt. His love was speaking brave words that relayed as he slurred, every sip and hit got the truth to his thoughts closer to the edge of his lips. And at the end of all resistance, I collapsed, my face fell flat and I rested on the sound of his existence.

A Smoother Dream

For once I want to be free from all the things I’m supposed to be. Switch up my beat and flow to a smoother dream, one that won’t dissipate when I turn away. Just stay the same, keep alive that same dream, when I come back let’s fly that same plane; don’t switch your ways. And maybe he could follow me, blow a tree, passion in the base of my everything. So it lifts me and I speak to thee, pretty things, the purest secrets that are kept between you and me. He’s like a dream or a sweet escape from common company. I had no intentions on flying away or setting myself so free but now I’m soaring inevitably. He sets my fears on fire, tosses out my doubts with the proof that flows past the slick shit that comes from a gents mouth. He rains his affection all over me, speaking truths past the normal sweet nothings, he’s talking serious something’s. He leaves me in a daydream, even the night sings, waking up everyday smiling comfortably. I wouldn’t trade him, I just wanna cash my sins and say I’m all in. So come back to the place where I met you that day, it’ll take me bout an hour but I’m on my way. And when I get there, I hope you’re ready to feel the air, relax babe I’m back. I came and I left and to my surprise I came right back, simple as that. You make it is so easy to dive into an unknown land, and I’ve never sat down with this kind of man. Let’s just be, everything we take in and all the stars we witness and every kiss we lay in. I could leave, take break, do a separate thing, but it seems everyday I just wanna stay. I just wanna lay, I just wanna bathe in the truth of a soul in a whole new way.

She’s Love’s Fool and She Knows It

 

Sometimes I play the fool, but I still know the truth deep inside, so it’s alright. Right? But this time it’s as dangerous as a crook in the night. In fact, it’s even more wrong to think that you yourself are right. I’m blinding myself, if I keep it up I might lose my own sight. I can tell something ain’t right, it’s not just a vibe, because when I was up against myself, I chose your side. But why? I’ve done this a thousand times and I never saw the wrong, it never disturbed my pride. Until now, that I see all I’ve kept bottled inside, and the resentment that has grown from the times you shut me down when I spoke my mind. Why is it that you have more power over my mind than I have over mine? How come you can walk in and change my preference just by influence over time? Why are you so damn great to me that I’ve become an idiot to the simple things? How could you call it love when you show no remorse for making me cry, you didn’t even care to make sure I was alright. But trust me, beloved lover, one day you’ll get yours and likewise I’ll get mine. It may take months or years to claim that prize, but I’ll be fine. How do I love you yet have a burning desire to see something unclaimed about you just diminish slowly over time. One day I’ll grow the nerve to walk away and let you reap what you deserve. I’ll wash away every piece of you that remains and I’ll remember you most for your selfish ways. One day all of this crooked love and shattered faith will change, and once I set your fake ass love to flames, maybe then I’ll be okay.

Sneak Peak!

“…Gazing much too deeply focused on the frame of his manhood, I was on the edge of eruption. Desire had carried me to the puddle of another soaked bomb ass piece of attire once again, the moans were directly behind my teeth, pushed up against the tip of my tongue. I was a genius for having the capability to keep this inside of myself, knowing my inner sex slave was beside me ready to leap and be guilty of his most disastrous and explosive orgasm of his tripled years. I, his woman desired to be the climax of his life, in every essence. I wanted to scream, not me though, SHE wanted to release herself to a man that could handle it, double, triple, multiple, endless orgasms, oh God whatever he could endure Naj was down for it. I knew once our sex-scapade was coming to a resolution my v spot would be sore and pumping, but entirely with pleasure. I just wanted to fade into a deep sleep with two of his rock hard fingers resting inside of me.  It’s amazing the way those desires we’re always there. Naj waited patiently as we laid there, cursing my name for the things I’d never say. She was the sex fiend that haunted the “good girl”, somehow she always convinced me to experiment with the edgiest levels of her desires. Sex was her dream, love was mine, and the medium was a constant battle.”

-Candy Pains

Bottom of His Love

If you’ve never prayed your hardest, you’ll do it when hit this damn near fatal crash in the road. You’ll need the insight of something bigger than yourself because you won’t know for certain which way to go. They all want to stay here for comfort but flee for freedom from a broken dream at the same time. We all get numb to the pain of heartbreak after the same tears have been cried. Looking back, he lied and she lied, and the relationship was built on bitter truths and pretty false promises. The bond wasn’t broken; the problem was that it was never built strong enough in the first place, it was never truly solid. And at the second trace, she replayed everything in her head. She stayed in for three days and cried herself to sleep a hundred times in her bed. She’ll give up on everything that includes you and light this fairytale on fire because it wasn’t enough to burn through your head; it only got her too caught up. She sits in silence as there is madness in her head, and just when she thought the tears had ceased, she fell  to her knees and they rained harder instead. Her music doesn’t do her any good at this phase of writing the wrongs, she doesn’t even have the courage to listen to a single r&b song.  She’s such a good girl but the pain works like thorns and she says, “I’d rather be bad.” Scrolling down her music, give me something harsh, I want cruelty, something to match these scars. She plays rock and some sick rap, some raunchy shit, and with love’s death in her head she fades back to black with dread. She could trade crack rock for love, it would be the same thing, bring the same pain, fuck you up in the same damn way. She looked at the ground, staring just to find strength in her soul and honesty in her intentions, all she found was a thousand things she forgot to mention. She pushed herself away from him and in this black hole she got shoved. And she hopes for the sake of fairness, one day he too hits the bottom of his love.

The Essence of a Broken Heart

I wrote this for a beloved friend of mine, her situation taught me just as much as my own did. I struggled with whether or not I should share such a private and personal letter but I just think a lot of other lovers share the same emotions, so please, learn from her heart’s story.

There have been times when she didn’t know her own strength, and at times she couldn’t even see the limits she placed on herself. There were days when she woke up confident, knowing that her smile would genuinely last. In those very days, she had her ultimate breakdowns and truly came face to face with her hearts reality. She was frail for love, for the past, especially weak for a feeling that was gone but the memory alone had her bound into hope. She knew she had it in her to leave a love that she wanted so bad to keep, but she loved him and the though t of him too much to do it.

She needed strength beyond herself; she needed God to drag the true strength of a woman out of her, because she alone didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay and let love run its course,but she was getting restless with playing forever the fool. Even in the midst of every lie, at the end of the day she wanted to try to make it work. She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she wasn’t supposed to stay in that relationship, she knew an ending was approaching. It’s still a mystery and divine wonder how she knew it, but she simply felt it; growing inside of her like a cancer poisoning her high hopes with depressing truths of the reality she lived in. Above all the other emotions and mixed desires, she was becoming well aware of her worth.

When that day of courage and will came, she ran with it and left the love that built her, a love that shaped her in good ways and bad, most of all it was a love that gave her hope. She knew that she was trapped in a plea, a craving for more than the love he would give, but held by a promise from him, for better. She believed that a love like that could endure and last. There came time when that love, that passion and friendship was no longer good for her, somehow something cruel had crept in and remained  lying in between them, slowly putting them in a battle against each other. He broke her heart and even in the days that she stayed the love was being slowly ruined, like a rotting fruit that once would taste so sweet, the effect couldn’t be undone.  There came a turning point in which all that built her began to break her down, and she watched herself sink lower and lower into a weakness for love, but even in those moments she knew she would eventually see the day of letting go.  It was love, but not a love worth standing by, she was alone in love and eventually she was the only one fighting for it. That’s when it was enough. They began having repeated nights of silence and empty conversations. She needed him to beg her to stay; she needed him to change her mind, and even if it was fooling her, she needed that; she wanted him to give her a reason so she wouldn’t have to walk away and end a relationship that she bet her heart on. When the silence sunk in and she found herself empty of all the things she needed so badly, she knew it was over.

Although she stayed physically, she knew deep inside that emotionally he was drifting; she was lost in awe of how they reached the point of love to where her love was no longer enough to keep this man at home and in her arms. He was doing what he wanted regardless of how good he had it at home. She grew and she learned that unless she stood up, change wasn’t coming, and no matter how bad it got, he would stay in the relationship; she couldn’t depend on him to walk away. He wasn’t loving in the way he should, and she was loving in ways she shouldn’t, even to a man who meant the world to her, and she claimed as her hero, even to him she was giving too much giving pieces that were undeserved. She went through phases unheard of, ones that an untarnished heart couldn’t imagine. She took steps forth, just be drug back to phase one, but even with that, time began to heal her, and with every day, even in her rivers of tears, she became stronger and she grew inspired and determined to love herself above love, itself.

Her Single Declaration

I’m a lover at heart, and I always will be. I’ll always know that being in a strong loving relationship truly keeps me warm at night. With that said, I keep thinking of this single life as a part time job I’ll have to work in order to get me to where I want to be. But maybe it’s something I must own, a situation I need to live through and complete before I’ll ever be ready to believe in love with such a giving heart as I once did. I don’t want to rush into emotions thinking I got lucky when truthfully I’m embracing something that is helping me to avoid the dreadful period of ‘no significant other’. I’ve always been in relationships, but suddenly I’ve been taken by a storm that caused me to require an emotional separation from love in that sense.

I gave everything that a woman could possibly give of herself and when you do that and it still doesn’t measure up to forever, it has a way of fucking shit up in your heart and hopes, and in your mind as well. You start to questions things, people, and intentions; everything becomes suspect to possibly bringing you pain again. When you believe in something or someone so much and then reality hits that your fairytale was just as distorted and downhill as the next persons, you start to see that sometimes even the best love story’s have their endings.  What the hell happened to the love I used to brag about? I took so much pride in that relationship truly thinking it was better than anyone else’s.  You look back and see the definition of what you called love. You start to remember the gut feelings that haunted you, but even more you recall sweeping them aside with high hopes and wishful thinking.

Let’s face it, we can all fall victim to heartbreak, we put our trust and understanding in the hands of another imperfect human. Half the time we’re unaware of what their internal battles are therefore often times there’s a lot that we don’t see ourselves getting into. But that’s life and you need love to live a full one. Rest assured that eventually you’ll heal and  you’ll take that risk again one day because you’d rather put your heart on the edge knowing the cost you could pay because love is worth that sacred chance. That’s harder to imagine than it is to say, but I truly believe that one day I and every other single man or woman I know will feel that way. For every heart that’s born, there’s another heart for it to live happily and confidently with. That’s something beautiful to look towards, and you know it’s out there, even when the depressed broken heart tells you otherwise.

For now, you must do the necessary and carry on. Carry yourself to the brightest future you can imagine, be successful and light the path to the destiny you’ve always dreamed of. Take this chance to paint your future out just how you want it without the concern of fitting someone else’s lifestyle as well. BE SINGLE AND OWN IT TO THE FULLEST. Love will make its way back around when the time is undeniably right, and the heart has drastically healed. You’ll be a better person by that time, and you’ll have a lot more love to give. For now, be your own special someone, and be true to yourself. Above everything, follow your heart, trust your voice and go forth with your life knowing that God is working it all out for you. You no longer have to look for Mr. or Ms. Right, just embrace people for who they are and enjoy them without looking for a lasting love in their eyes. Focus on your bright future, let your heart be the driving force inside of you and do it for the first time like you’ve never done it before. Be bold and claim the passions you have for life outside of romance. Believe it or not there’s more that drives you than just the heart of a hopeless romantic with a head full of fairytales. There’s more that you have to offer this world, more that you have to offer yourself, so do your soul searching and find that other beautiful person you’ve forgotten about for so long now, DO YOU!

Sips from the Well of Self-Love

“Facing who you are completely and being honest with the beauties and bruises of complexity you possess is a key to finding self-love.”

Three years ago I was a self-professed expert on love and relationships. With much of the internal battle from both parties unseen, I believed and truly comprehended that my relationship was at a grand peak and I had much experience to declare myself as worthy of addressing just about any subject regarding love. Now, twelve well documented yet short lived seasons later, I’m coming to the understanding that even with a great deal of experience and awkward situations under my belt, I have still fallen short of knowing the greatest depths of love, partially because I hadn’t reached deep enough within myself to discover the love that is rooted beneath the woman I am to the world. I truly believe that half of the love you give someone is the love that you have for yourself.  That can be a good or bad thing depending on your self- love. We’ve heard a particular saying endless times, and I’m sure I’ll continue to hear it bringing a sharp reminder of who I am and who I have yet to be. They say, “You must love yourself before you can love someone else.” As positive and true as that quote is, without a sense of direction on where to go from there, it can leave someone still craving more of the truth that waits patiently to be heard. With all appreciation to the person that put that notion into a worldwide declaration of self-righteousness, I’ve never had the honesty with myself to say to someone else, “Thanks for being seemingly perfect but I’ll pass on your offer of being everything I might need in a man, because I simply need to love myself more before I can love you.” I still have yet to utter that verse.

In a perfect world, perhaps I would take that chance and send a man on his way, explaining in the perfect words that there’s so much more that I must know and appreciate about myself before I should embark on the journey of sharing who I am with someone who wants all of me. From experience I can say that it is an exhausting task to love someone in ways in which they don’t even love themselves, and to give someone a love that they repeatedly insist to society that they are unworthy of.  So yes, self-love is proven to be a key component to healthy relationships.

Since I began the journey of unvieling true self-love, I’ve found that establishing a good relationship with myself is much more complex than doing so with someone else. In fact, now that my upmost honesty has presented itself, I can admit that there’s a lot that I don’t know and apprehend about who I am. In the past I have tried to give people all of me, without truly knowing what all that entailed. I always said I love who I am but when I ask myself why, I’m paused at what all I’m made of and why I love those things. But the journey of unfolding my colors and laying them out to piece together is becoming easier and something I can do on a regular basis and in a respectful manner.

So I’ll attempt to share with you how I am learning to grasp the warm comfort of self-love. First I think we all need to be aware of where we stand on the matter. Do you feel that you have too low of a self-esteem and perhaps you lack self-love? Or do you think that you may be a bit too confident and be pushing close to the border of arrogance? Perhaps you battle with a bit of both.  Either way self-love is an understanding that can shine a light on who you are, delivering you from so many unseen and unspoken battles that dwell within.

I’m a smart girl who is learning when to let wisdom speak through me as well as when to stop foolishness from escaping my thoughts and shattering into an open conversation. I also have a keen way of separating the people that I appreciate to the point of needing in life apart from the people that I simple WANT to be in my life.  I’ve come to abundantly respect and necessarily dismiss so many people with these understandings. I also have a nurturing heart that will always thrive to care and comfort others. That has always been a major part of who I am, and even when I attempt to bury that giving girl in hopes of protecting my ego, she whispers sweet nothing’s of kindness and honesty beneath my core letting me she’ll always be WHO I REALLY AM rather than someone I will outgrow. In fact if I ever truly did dismiss my caring heart and replace it with a girl that didn’t give two shits about someone else’s feelings, I would be living a lie and living as someone that I’m not. I think everybody has that alter ego to them, pieces of who they are that they try to do away with in hopes that they won’t get hurt by someone else or even bring shame to themselves. Maybe they feel those pieces make them a weaker individual, or perhaps they’ve given that character too much airplay in the past and they ended up getting screwed over. Either way I think we all tend to bury pieces of our psyche in hopes to escape a deeper war weighing within. I’m coming to believe that the very voices we push away are sometimes the ones we need to hear the most. How many times have you ignored Gods’ advice, assuring yourself that you’ve got this one covered? How often do you catch yourself denying something about yourself, in fear of the person you may have to face next time you take a quick glance at the mirror? Think about it, and open yourself up to your new found zone of honesty.

If I were asked to list my strengths, would my tone and confidence drop when listing my weaknesses? I ask myself, would I want to curl up and disappear if someone questioned me about my most honest and shameful insecurities? Eventually I hope to carry the same confidence and belief in who I can be regarding my flaws and imperfections as I do with the things I know I’m great at. I’ve been blessed to witness confident people who are well aware of their flaws, and can even address their insecurities with a confident understanding and respect for themselves. That’s beautiful to me! That’s the vision of happiness within myself that I will continue to strive for. But let me be clear, I don’t think self-love is something someone can succeed at, rather I think it should me a never ending ladder for one to climb rather than a goal to be obtained; only because we’re constantly learning about ourselves and hopefully growing into more beautifully flourished  souls. However, with that said, when I do imagine success that self-love and genuine happiness that I will carry is most definitely in the picture.With all the great characteristics we can name off about ourselves, the flaws and insecurities are just as important to recognize and respect. Those are inner battles we must eventually face, if we ever want to welcome ourselves to the wonder of self-love.

With a world of great characteristics stitched together within me, I am also pushing myself to address and figure out the flaws I carry and why my deepest insecurities still trouble me and set me off guard. No matter what your inner battles are, they do need to be confessed and dissected in order for you to understand who you are and further on respect the not so pretty things about yourself. Put it this way, there may two people with the same bad ways, one who’s story I know and understand and the other who has never let me in to see why they are the way they are. I’m more likely to respect and still appreciate the open individual because although they have the same bad ways about them, I at least understand what made them that way, and as the friendship or bond flourished I’m more able to help them overcome that battle thanks to the honesty that opened the door to improvement. It’s hard to help someone if they can’t admit that they need help to begin with, which applies to conflicts with yourself as well. What I’m trying to say is that denial won’t make anything, and I mean ANYTHING disappear. From my experience it only deepens the wound, burying it further into a dark hole only to eventually be drugged out and exposed.
Loving yourself means accepting yourself for who you TRULY are, behind the great impressions you make of yourself and deep into the thoughts that cause you to wonder, questioning what you’re all about. I’ve always told myself that beautiful people are the ones that know they’re worth and have an unguarded and patient respect for the most painful pieces of reality they’ve witnessed in life. With that said, the most appreciative things in my life are the things that I have had to battle with and truly earn as my own; self-understanding is one of those things. It’s hard to appreciate the foul components of yourself when you don’t really understand why you are the way you are. Confidence isn’t about believing that you’re perfect or even that you have less flaws than the next man or woman, it’s about knowing the strengths you possess and how to not abuse them, as well as recognizing your areas of improvement with belief that you can do better; this means doing so without putting yourself down and being your own bully.
Facing who you are completely and being honest with the beauties and bruises of complexity you possess is a key to finding self-love. I truly believe that if the world could just understand the concept of loving who they are and not abusing that privilege or in other cases robbing themselves of it, than having enough room in your heart to love someone else wouldn’t be such a constant battle that we run into.